Bleugh

I'm sick of it all.
HSC is just stress stress stress, and what's the point of it?
All a good ATAR does, is knock off a year or so for the university of your choice. Because if you fail? All that happens, is you work a little bit harder, and eventually get into that course anyway, just a bit later than planned.
So why am I stressing so much?! The place I want to get into doesn't even require an ATAR or HSC mark. Yet here I am, breaking down every two seconds, pushing people away, turning on people who I used to be close with.
It's all building up, and becoming so much for me.
Yet there's not even a point to it.
None at all.

Best Friends For...Never?

I thought I had it figured out,

In a brand new life,
With a great big house,
And green initials on the towels -

I should be happy now.

I came across all these old photos the other day.

Ones of me and a friend with paint on our faces and a rainbow door covered in zebra stripes.

Ones of me and three friends running with horses and playing the game of life on an acreage.

Ones of me and friends waiting for a timed photo at a bus stop - with the bus we were supposed to catch waiting in the background.

Along with these photos, came a video. It was called "Best Friends" - I had made it in year seven with my "Awesome Foursome".

And with all these fantastic memories, came this unsteady conclusion - is there such a thing as Best Friends Forever?

At the time, you can't see yourself without those people in your life.
At the time, you're "BEST FRIENDS FOR EVAAAR!!"

And at the time, you're inseparable.

But just how long does this last?

How long is it before you drift apart and lose contact?

Just how long does it take before that person is just that - a good memory, and an awkward smile when you pass them through the twisted corridors of your life?

Will it be a year? A few more months?

Currently, I have two amazing best friends. I feel so close to them, and they make me laugh, and make me happy so much! I can talk to them about EVERYTHING - and they come up with the most delicious and exciting stories.

But I keep getting terrified. How long am I going to be able to call them my best friends?

I know that everyone drifts apart at some point. And I know that the amount of friends people actually end up keeping upon leaving high school is minimal. But I don't want to have to go through that again. I don't want to have to go find someone new, and build up that substantial amount of trust one needs to call someone a best friend.


I just want to cement this moment in time. But without the overloading stress, and the fears of losing the ones I love, and without the repetitive zombie apocalypse dreams (thank you very much).
I want to keep my two beautiful besties, and keep my cutie-wutie boyfriend who brings me treats and comfort.
But you don't always get what you want.
Time won't stop for me.
And nothing lasts forever.

Someone Like You.

I had hoped you'd see my face,

And that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too,
Don't forget me I beg,
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead."

There are many things I could blame this new stress on.

I could say it's the sudden realisation that I'm finally in year twelve.

I could say it's the sudden realisation that I'm losing my singing voice.

I could say it's the sudden realisation that I don't actually have as much money as I used to.

I could say it's the sudden realisation that my next musical is in less than a month, and I still don't know all my lines.

I could say it's the fact that my job slowly destroys my hands more and more, every time I work.

I could say it's my lack of motivation to do schoolwork.

I could say it's a lot of things.

But we all know it actually comes down to you. Because as much as those things stress me out, you still remain my top priority.

I don't know why, and I don't know how. But you are, and I've come to accept that.

And this stress I have? It doesn't just go away. 

It doesn't matter how many stress-balls I buy, tea I drink, or bubble baths I take - you're still there, forever sitting at the back of my mind. 

And thinking about you hurts. 

And talking about you hurts. 

Heck, talking to you hurts.

When I even do talk to you that is.

And as I sit here with my cracked hands and my unwritten English essay, I'll remember all those times we had. And I won't regret them. Even though they're all I can think about as I go through my days. Even though they cause me such distractions that my grades have dropped. That my mood stays low. 

If you could see me now, would you have stopped this? Would you have changed those things that sent me to the place I'm seemingly stuck in? 

I always find myself listening to the songs that relate to me. The lyrics are what I hold on to. 

"Why do you have so many depressing songs on your ipod?" - people ask me. Though there should be no need to ask.

I'll admit, I've been a bit better lately. But you know that you'd pushed me through hell. You know that I'd survived that first time 'round. I'm resilient. I cope with the cruel things life brings with the hope that something better will come along. Because maybe, just maybe, if I put up with the bad, I'll be granted with something good. 

Like a new job.

Like a smarter self.

Like a stronger voice.

Like a better you. 

Fingers crossed. 

Shattered.

"And I've lost who I am.
And I can't understand,
Why my heart is so broken.
Rejecting your love,
Without love gone wrong.
Lifeless words.
Carry on."

There seems to be this flaw in me, to always get caught in situations that make me that horrible, selfish person that I know can be.
Recently, I seem to be getting all that bottled-up negativity released on me at once - pushing away people that I know mean the world to me.
It's like there's this in-built part of me, that forces me to like the people who are all wrong for me, and deny those who truly care. And I know that that probably won't change. I always like the dickheads. Or the ones that are at first quite lovely, but who turn out to be jerks anyway.

It all started at the beginning of this year, with the Gentleman (and you're thinking: "oh no, not him again").
You see, he and I had decided to be friends again - and stay friends again. And then he goes and spoils that agreed upon notion, by hiding me from his facebook page, which in my world, is one of the most offensive things you can do to me (if you're a friend that is). I call him, but he "can't talk right now". So for a week, I leave it, and then call him again, finally sorting things out with all his bullshit excuses and lies, and discovering that he's gone and deleted my number. "To get some space", he'd told me - yet he'd had hectares of space before he'd shut me out.
So we move on, only to have a snappy fight about a week later, to which he deletes me off facebook completely.
So why do I keep going back you ask? Probably because he's a dickhead. He's the one focal point for all of my stress in the past year. He's that constant that will forever remain this pain in my mind. And not because I still have feelings for him. I just rely on his opinions, and I value his judgements. He takes it all away and dangles it in front of me, like teasing a dog with a piece of food. I just hope he throws it back before the food grows stale, and the dog walks away forever.


Then comes one of my best friends.
I've known him for years - since before high school. But I guess I just took him for granted. He and I drifted apart, and because he doesn't use his phone, we built up this relationship that was purely sustained on msn. Now, many of you would know that I'm not really a talker on msn or facebook chat. I might say a few things, but I get distracted on the computer really easily, so it's not exactly the best place to keep a friendship.
The other day, he made clear many of the faults and stupid, stubborn things I had done to him, which he had just taken at the time at stake of all the years we'd shared.
And now, he won't talk to me. I feel like this blog would be the perfect way to say sorry - yet he doesn't want a show-offy world apology. So I'd sent him one in a message.
I still await the day that he will unblock me on msn, so we can move on to old times, where we'd talk for hours about our passions, our dreams, and our everythings.


The last situation has had probably the most impact on me in one day. I won't go too much into it over this (I know, Dannie's actually showing restraint), but it involves one of my best friends.
Now, this guy...I never thought we'd grow this close. I talk to him about everything, and we hang out a lot. But recently I've just gone behind his back, and betrayed his trust. And in this, I feel like I'm losing not only him, but another guy. Losing two at once, as well as the other two I mentioned above, and you'll understand how right now, I'm feeling lonely, and pretty fucking shitty. 

How could I let this all rise up and happen? Even though all these things may not be consequences of something solely my fault, I know that I have had a fairly reasonable impact on each.  

So to each of you guys - I'm sorry. 
I'm sorry for being a bitch, and over-reacting at all the things you say.
I'm sorry for pushing you away, for taking you for granted, and for never asking you how you were feeling.
I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark, for betraying you, for once leading you on.
I'm sorry I'd trusted you, and had believed that you cared about me, and for thinking we'd actually had something.

I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I've never been really good with apologies. You should all know that. So this? This is my best. And this is my all. And this is for you.
All for you.
Carry on.