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"And I've lost who I am.
And I can't understand,
Why my heart is so broken.
Rejecting your love,
Without love gone wrong.
Lifeless words.
Carry on."
And I can't understand,
Why my heart is so broken.
Rejecting your love,
Without love gone wrong.
Lifeless words.
Carry on."
There seems to be this flaw in me, to always get caught in situations that make me that horrible, selfish person that I know can be.
Recently, I seem to be getting all that bottled-up negativity released on me at once - pushing away people that I know mean the world to me.
It's like there's this in-built part of me, that forces me to like the people who are all wrong for me, and deny those who truly care. And I know that that probably won't change. I always like the dickheads. Or the ones that are at first quite lovely, but who turn out to be jerks anyway.
It all started at the beginning of this year, with the Gentleman (and you're thinking: "oh no, not him again").
You see, he and I had decided to be friends again - and stay friends again. And then he goes and spoils that agreed upon notion, by hiding me from his facebook page, which in my world, is one of the most offensive things you can do to me (if you're a friend that is). I call him, but he "can't talk right now". So for a week, I leave it, and then call him again, finally sorting things out with all his bullshit excuses and lies, and discovering that he's gone and deleted my number. "To get some space", he'd told me - yet he'd had hectares of space before he'd shut me out.
So we move on, only to have a snappy fight about a week later, to which he deletes me off facebook completely.
So why do I keep going back you ask? Probably because he's a dickhead. He's the one focal point for all of my stress in the past year. He's that constant that will forever remain this pain in my mind. And not because I still have feelings for him. I just rely on his opinions, and I value his judgements. He takes it all away and dangles it in front of me, like teasing a dog with a piece of food. I just hope he throws it back before the food grows stale, and the dog walks away forever.
Then comes one of my best friends.
I've known him for years - since before high school. But I guess I just took him for granted. He and I drifted apart, and because he doesn't use his phone, we built up this relationship that was purely sustained on msn. Now, many of you would know that I'm not really a talker on msn or facebook chat. I might say a few things, but I get distracted on the computer really easily, so it's not exactly the best place to keep a friendship.
The other day, he made clear many of the faults and stupid, stubborn things I had done to him, which he had just taken at the time at stake of all the years we'd shared.
And now, he won't talk to me. I feel like this blog would be the perfect way to say sorry - yet he doesn't want a show-offy world apology. So I'd sent him one in a message.
I still await the day that he will unblock me on msn, so we can move on to old times, where we'd talk for hours about our passions, our dreams, and our everythings.
The last situation has had probably the most impact on me in one day. I won't go too much into it over this (I know, Dannie's actually showing restraint), but it involves one of my best friends.
Now, this guy...I never thought we'd grow this close. I talk to him about everything, and we hang out a lot. But recently I've just gone behind his back, and betrayed his trust. And in this, I feel like I'm losing not only him, but another guy. Losing two at once, as well as the other two I mentioned above, and you'll understand how right now, I'm feeling lonely, and pretty fucking shitty.
How could I let this all rise up and happen? Even though all these things may not be consequences of something solely my fault, I know that I have had a fairly reasonable impact on each.
So to each of you guys - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being a bitch, and over-reacting at all the things you say.
I'm sorry for pushing you away, for taking you for granted, and for never asking you how you were feeling.
I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark, for betraying you, for once leading you on.
I'm sorry I'd trusted you, and had believed that you cared about me, and for thinking we'd actually had something.
I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I've never been really good with apologies. You should all know that. So this? This is my best. And this is my all. And this is for you.
All for you.
Carry on.
Recently, I seem to be getting all that bottled-up negativity released on me at once - pushing away people that I know mean the world to me.
It's like there's this in-built part of me, that forces me to like the people who are all wrong for me, and deny those who truly care. And I know that that probably won't change. I always like the dickheads. Or the ones that are at first quite lovely, but who turn out to be jerks anyway.
It all started at the beginning of this year, with the Gentleman (and you're thinking: "oh no, not him again").
You see, he and I had decided to be friends again - and stay friends again. And then he goes and spoils that agreed upon notion, by hiding me from his facebook page, which in my world, is one of the most offensive things you can do to me (if you're a friend that is). I call him, but he "can't talk right now". So for a week, I leave it, and then call him again, finally sorting things out with all his bullshit excuses and lies, and discovering that he's gone and deleted my number. "To get some space", he'd told me - yet he'd had hectares of space before he'd shut me out.
So we move on, only to have a snappy fight about a week later, to which he deletes me off facebook completely.
So why do I keep going back you ask? Probably because he's a dickhead. He's the one focal point for all of my stress in the past year. He's that constant that will forever remain this pain in my mind. And not because I still have feelings for him. I just rely on his opinions, and I value his judgements. He takes it all away and dangles it in front of me, like teasing a dog with a piece of food. I just hope he throws it back before the food grows stale, and the dog walks away forever.
Then comes one of my best friends.
I've known him for years - since before high school. But I guess I just took him for granted. He and I drifted apart, and because he doesn't use his phone, we built up this relationship that was purely sustained on msn. Now, many of you would know that I'm not really a talker on msn or facebook chat. I might say a few things, but I get distracted on the computer really easily, so it's not exactly the best place to keep a friendship.
The other day, he made clear many of the faults and stupid, stubborn things I had done to him, which he had just taken at the time at stake of all the years we'd shared.
And now, he won't talk to me. I feel like this blog would be the perfect way to say sorry - yet he doesn't want a show-offy world apology. So I'd sent him one in a message.
I still await the day that he will unblock me on msn, so we can move on to old times, where we'd talk for hours about our passions, our dreams, and our everythings.
The last situation has had probably the most impact on me in one day. I won't go too much into it over this (I know, Dannie's actually showing restraint), but it involves one of my best friends.
Now, this guy...I never thought we'd grow this close. I talk to him about everything, and we hang out a lot. But recently I've just gone behind his back, and betrayed his trust. And in this, I feel like I'm losing not only him, but another guy. Losing two at once, as well as the other two I mentioned above, and you'll understand how right now, I'm feeling lonely, and pretty fucking shitty.
How could I let this all rise up and happen? Even though all these things may not be consequences of something solely my fault, I know that I have had a fairly reasonable impact on each.
So to each of you guys - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being a bitch, and over-reacting at all the things you say.
I'm sorry for pushing you away, for taking you for granted, and for never asking you how you were feeling.
I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark, for betraying you, for once leading you on.
I'm sorry I'd trusted you, and had believed that you cared about me, and for thinking we'd actually had something.
I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I've never been really good with apologies. You should all know that. So this? This is my best. And this is my all. And this is for you.
All for you.
Carry on.
