Ruby Moon.

"A blind man in a dark room - looking for a black hat which isn't there."

She sleeps. Quiet, silent, restful. Music-box ballerina dancing out her lullaby. A single pirouette, all while she sleeps. All limp and full of dreams. Hopes, ambitions, wanting, needing. Did you know her? Past tense. Where did she go? Past tense.

She's not here now. Shadows leap about you, and you only notice that they make you feel cold. Shudder. Like leaving the back door open. Shudder. Was it open when she disappeared? Past tense. 

Don't trust the wizard. And if he gives me hope? Don't trust the wizard. I wish he were here now. I wish we could wind back all the clocks. I used to wish a lot of things. Past tense.

And none of it matters now. Not that it matters. Not that it ever mattered anyway. But whose decision was that? Who made that call? Who took the shots? Unless it's all your fault? It's all your fault. And doesn't that make you feel tense? Doesn't everything?

And there's another one. Her allure so strong. Her perfume so toxic. And what do you get from her? Nothing but a mouthful of ash and a handful of lies. Nothing but a bookshelf of memoirs. Memories. Lifelines. Cloudy, rushed, spherical and coloured by the binding lights that snatch at you and take you away - leaving me in the dark with all these blackened objects, burnt and crumbling, but then you can't see them anyway. Because they don't exist. Does anything? 

Oh but there she is again. Still asleep. And you don't know what she's dreaming of. Do you understand the nightmares? Did you hear about her horrors? Can you listen to her silent screams that pull and tug and gnash in her mind? Music-box ballerina spinning her last pirouette. 

Bet you'd never noticed that. Past tense.

*inspired by Ruby Moon - an Australian play by Matt Cameron.

The Way It Goes.

I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best.

 Now I wait, as this blog ruins everything, as always.

This blog is for you, and only you.

In fact, a lot of the things I do are just for you.

Sometimes you notice, sometimes you don't. 
And that's the beauty of it.

Life with you in it, is a gamble. Occasionally you win, and occasionally you lose. For a while I was having a winning streak, feeling like the luckiest person in the world. Then - like any problem gambler - I started to lose. Well, not lose just yet. But flat-line. It makes me question, and wonder, and over-analyse as I tend to.

Do you even like me still?

Are you interested at all?

I know I'm not ready to move on so quickly. But have you?

So many things remind me of you. So I already know it's going to be too hard to just forget.

I want to skip backwards a few weeks. To the fun nights we spent, where everything was perfect and crazy at the same time.

Do you miss it? Do you even miss me? Or am I alone here, with no one but this figment of my imagination - your own ghost - beside me in my mind?

You know, I've experienced that feeling a lot recently. Loneliness. It's like the pain where you can't breathe but you can't die. A clenching in my chest that only rids itself when you're around. 

I'm so sick of feeling this way, and I can feel the old stress levels rising again, tearing at my limits; my breaking points; my boundaries - those walls I'd built so carefully, so securely.

"Loneliness. It's like the pain where you can't breathe but you can't die."

You said to me you wouldn't be able to handle it. But you don't think I don't have the same problems? Where sometimes you just actually do want to be on your own? Where you don't want to see anyone, lock yourself in your room, and listen to the depressing songs that make your top ten playlist?

I'm more alike you than you think. Though you probably already know.

It's not every day you find someone who doesn't mind sharing the same unique burger you like.

It's not every day you find someone who is as obsessed with your favourite TV show as you are.

It's not every day you find someone who likes the same music, the same smells, the same video games, the same movie genres as you.

It's not every day you find someone who has the same beliefs, and the same preferences.

It's not every day you find someone who likes you for who you are, not who you could be. Who likes your geeky glasses and habits and humour and sayings. Who likes calling you cute, and watching how you react under my fingertips. 

I like it how I don't feel the need to dress up when you're around. I like it how I feel most comfortable under your eyes. I like it how I can be myself, because the lame things I love - you do too.

I don't think I'm ready to let go of all that.  

I need to know if you're in or not. Or I at least need to know how you still feel. And not to be influenced by the people around you who think they know best.

Make up your own mind, and I'll be here when you're ready.

Like I always have been. Like I always will be.

The Harry Potter [Tik Tok] Parody.

What you are about to see, are lyrics re-written by myself, set to the overplayed song Tik Tok (by Ke$ha). 

This is my beautiful Harry Potter version, and when you compare these lyrics to the Tik Tok ones already on YouTube, you will know that I am incredibly amazing. I am yet to film an awesome film clip for this as I am insanely busy (as always) - so until then, these lyrics shall do. 

Try singing them to the rhythm. I'm excited.

VERSE 1:
[HARRY:]
Wake up in the morning lying next to Ginny
Grab my glasses and my wand
I’m off to Hogsmeade City
Before I leave, feed Buckbeak with some ferrets and crap.
‘Cus I guess I’m all he has without Sirus Black.

VERSE 2:
[HARRY:]
So now I’m writing with all my quills quills
My broomstick’s got the thrills thrills
Dementors give me chills chills
(Doo Doo Doo)

[RON:]
But the Patronus works we agree
Learnt it in Dumbledore’s Army
I wanna have sex with Hermione…

CHORUS: (repeat)
[HARRY:]
I'm the one
The chosen one
Yeah I talk to snakes for fun

[HERMIONE:]
Stick to
What you're taught
Before you go chasing Voldemort

[RON:]
He’s the one
The chosen one
If you’re his friend you’ll be outshone
Like

[ALL:]
In-cen-di-o!
In-cen-di-o!

VERSE 3:
[DRACO:]
Ain’t got a care in the world
Because I’m pure of blood
And yes I may be mean and nasty
But I’m a super stud

And now the death eaters line on up
‘Cus they hear we got Scabbers
But we kick ‘em out the door
Unless they support Voldy’s powers

VERSE 4:
[HERMIONE:]
I’m talking ‘bout
Everybody messing with time, time
Dementors control the crime, crime,
Let’s fight for another rhyme, rhyme
(Doo Doo Doo)

[GINNY:]
Yeah-eh until the horcruxes die out, out
Or the ministry shuts down, down
Ministry shuts down, down
Ministry shuts dow…

CHORUS: (repeat)
[HARRY:]
I'm the one
The chosen one
Yeah I talk to snakes for fun

[HERMIONE:]
Stick to
What you're taught
Before you go chasing Voldemort

[RON:]
He’s the one
The chosen one
If you’re his friend you’ll be outshone
Like

[ALL:]
In-cen-di-o!
In-cen-di-o!

VERSE 5:
[RON:]
In Gryffindor,
You’ll ask for more,
I want to score,
With Hermioneee

[CHO CHANG:]
You make me soar
If you’re hardcore
If you’re hardcore
Just like Diggory **{pronounced Diggrryyyy}

[RON:]
In Gryffindor,
You’ll ask for more,
I want to score,
With Hermioneee

[CHO CHANG:]
You make me soar
If you’re hardcore
If you’re hardcore---

[LAVENDAR BROWN:]
Now my Ronny I heart from the very begin…

CHORUS: (repeat)
[HARRY:]
I'm the one
The chosen one
Yeah I talk to snakes for fun

[HERMIONE:]
Stick to
What you're taught
Before you go chasing Voldemort

[RON:]
He’s the one
The chosen one
If you’re his friend you’ll be outshone
Like

[ALL:]
In-cen-di-o!
In-cen-di-o!

The Monster.

We stopped looking for monsters under our bed when we realised they were inside us.

It's been a while - I've realised - since I have written a proper venting blog. One with raw emotion and unedited thoughts, blurring my computer screen and snatching my heart. And the reason? The reason is: I've had nothing to vent about. For the past few weeks I have been so unbelievably happy, gushing to friends non-stop and having the time of my life, that I'd had nothing to rant, rage or cry about.

But now I feel all crushed and worn. Something has changed in my mind, and I can feel it coming back. The unhappiness. The darkness. The monster that lives inside, waiting to break through and destroy all the walls that had taken so long to rebuild. That clouded mind. That distance. That loneliness.

Just when you feel everything is going right, something needs to happen to slow it all back down again. No one is allowed to forever be happy. No one is allowed to be perfect.

I find that I am tired all the time, and seemingly nocturnal at night. I've been here before, and I knew I'd come back. Though I don't know if I am there yet. I feel like I've been on a really long train ride, and it happened to break down a few stations too early. 

Will I ever reach that destination? The one I long for, where my hopes and dreams actually come true? The one where all of my plans work out the way I wanted? Where people are caring, and as amazing as they should be? There are no lies there. No fucking around or cruelty. 

If only there were such a place.

It is true that I am not back in the dark just yet. Though I can see it; feel it approaching; rushing at me; ready to tangle me in its mix of webs and spiders. 

I just hope that someone sticks out their hand to come and rescue me before then.

I'm sick of doing this alone.

100 Things You Should Already Know About Me.

So it's been a while since my last list blog, and the last one had a good response and it was quite fun, so I thought I'd write another.

Here are 100 things you should probably already know about me. If you didn't know them - start memorising! They're not in any order, just shows how muddled my writing brain is.

1. I am one of three-surviving quadruplets. (http://lmgtfy.com/?q=quadruplets)
2. I am the middle child - by one minute either way.
3. I am a drama queen.
4. I am not religious.
5. My first real kiss was on my driveway just after the new years countdown for 2008.
6. I am a sucker for song lyrics. Sing me a song and I'll love you longtime.
7. I was a vegetarian for a day. Then failed.
8. I over stress.
9. I over analyse every tiny detail.
10. I hate waiting. It means I have more time to dissect every meaning from something, then cause whatever it is to fail without chance.
11. I have terrible self esteem. Sometimes.
12. When at a restaurant, I always get a pasta dish.
13. I don't like calling people on the phone. If I do call someone, I say what I need to, get the information I need, and get out.
14. Acting is my favourite thing ever.
15. I have never been overseas.
16. My favourite present would be from Shannen - a written play script about my life.
17. I currently work at Boost Juice.
18. My favourite colour is pink.
19. My dream job is to edit film or media of some sort.
20. Cute notions never go unnoticed.
21. I love Nickelodeon's Avatar: The Last Airbender.
22. I am obsessed with playing Tetris.
23. I can be overly confident.
24. My favourite animals are turtles and snakes.
25. I like to be aware of flaws, so that I can fix them.
26. My favourite band is A Fine Frenzy.
27. I have a thing for glasses and freckles.
28. I act old for my age - but can be immature when upset.
29. I am too short.
30. Pet Hate: the misuse of words that have multiple spellings (your, you're, their, there, they're, etc.).
31. Music is my favourite subject at school.
32. My dream car is a light yellow 1998 Volkswagen Beetle.
33. I would prefer to train it than bus it.
34. I am a very fast texter.
35. I believe if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well.
36. My biggest fear: dead bodies.
37. I am a Leo.
38. All of my ex's are best friends of mine.
39. I believe everyone has a secret personality waiting to be discovered.
40. I hate confrontations.
41. I love the audition process.
42. I have a pair of painted volleys. One is Red Riding Hood, one is the Big Bad Wolf. They definitely made my birthday amazing one year.
43. I once wanted to be a librarian, a teacher, and a zoo keeper.
44. My favourite pizza flavour is cheese.
45. I love the spotlight.
46. My first job was at a dog kennel.
47. The best present would be if someone wrote and performed a song for me.
48. I love making movies.
49. The best game is Rachet and Clank on Playstation2.
50. Harry Potter's world is my favourite creative invention.
51. I have a thing for blue eyes.
52. It has been a secret dream to live in London. With the rain.
53. The game Spyro is amazing.
54. I have a bad habit of falling for older men.
55. Pet Hate: Flies.
56. I am a texter, not a caller.
57. There are only two people I hate in the world.
58. I love the chase.
59. Cookie dough is probably the best thing ever.
60. My favourite television show is Glee.
61. I am unfortunately good at blaming others for my own mistakes.
62. My favourite film genre is Horror.
63. My favourite artist is Gabrielle Aplin.
64. I think coffee is amazing.
65. I think satay mi goreng is better than original.
66. My favourite season is Winter.
67. I don't hide affection.
68. My favourite writer is Jodi Picoult.
69. I like night better than day .
70. If I'm mad at you, expect a facebook status about it. If I'm really mad at you; expect a blog.
71. I seem to fall too quickly for boys who lead me on.
72. I practically live on facebook mobile.
73. I am either happy, tired or extremely low.
74. My favourite fruits are a mix between avocados and pineapples.
75. I have only ever been in love once.
76. I go out of my way to help people.
77. I like cigarette smoke, but hate the thought of smoking.
78. Pet Hate: Nail files.
79. I love musical theatre.
80. I have issues with getting my feet dirty.
81. I prefer cold to hot.
82. I usually find that after chasing something for so long, when I finally get it, I don't know what to do with it.
83. I believe everyone has good in them. Somewhere.
84. The best ice-cream flavour is cookies and cream.
85. I am one for using the silent treatment. But use it on me, and I'll freak out.
86. My most played song on iTunes is Almost Lover by a Fine Frenzy with over 900 plays.
87. Manicures are the only thing that can calm me down completely.
88. If I poke you back on facebook, then you're special.
89. I am too trusting.
90. The best time of my life was during the last school musical: The Wizard of Oz when I was the Lion.
91. I will always be a sucker for Disney movies.
92. I love random presents or visits from the people I love.
93. I can't bake - at all - but I can cook.
94. People annoy me easily.
95. My favourite movie is The Lovely Bones.
96. I am very competitive when it comes to the things I'm good at.
97. The biggest turn on is a really nice smelling guy.
98. Pet Hate: when you leave the lights on in a room you're not in.
99. I voice my opinions. Some say too much.
100. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Birds of the Summer.

Fly so high, little bird.

You land on my porch a second, a third, 

And wait a while.

I acknowledge you for a moment, 

I even call you cute.

But then you're disregarded,

And I move on.

Everyday I walk past that porch.

Everyday you wait for me.

Sometimes singing, sometimes hooting.

You wait for me.

But to me you're just a bird.

Littering the sky with your wings and colours.

Swooping and spiraling,

Tweeting and chirping.

Forever around. Plentiful.

So I brush you off.

There are loads more like you.

Some with brighter feathers.

Some with shinier beaks.

Summer comes, and the birds return.

Crooning loudly at my window.

You blend in with the crowd,

Quickly forgotten.

But when summer ends,

The birds fly away,

And I am left alone.

And you hang around, 

Eager as ever.

Just as before.

But by the time I realise how different you are,

By the time I know that you're the bird I like the most,

Whose dull colours stood out like a rainbow,

Whose musical call was the loudest of all,

By the time I know you're the one I want,

You fly away. 

I call and call, you used to come back.

But the porch is empty, and you are gone.

Winter is here, and there are no birds in sight.

Ice and cold dew stick to the glass,

Hiding the sky from view.

But I hear a whistle, soft and sweet.

Racing out onto the street,

There you are, and you land on my porch.

I'll feed you bird seed every day.

Promise me you'll never fly away.

And you never do.

Your Own Medicine.

All those blogs I'd written about you. About all the pain and heartbreak I had suffered because of the way you'd treated me.

I know why you did it. It was the only way you could make me let go. And it was hard for me, but in the end, it helped. And now I thank you for that.

You know, most of the people who are unforgiving, really just have to walk a mile in the other person's shoes to understand. 

Turn the tables.

Taste their own medicine.

It's the only way.

And now I realise how you must have felt, seeing as it's now happening to me. But why - of all the people - does it have to be the guy I could turn to when I was upset, and in need of a hug? I didn't ask for this; he didn't ask for this; but it's happened - and there's no going back. Him liking me is wrong on multiple levels, and I tried never repeating what you'd done to me. But now I see, that it's the only way. Making you seem like a complete dickhead as opposed to a gentleman in my eyes had been the pivot point for me. And although I hated you for it, and although it seemed so cruel to shut me out in the cold like that - it worked. And I moved on. 

The fact that I am now doing this to one of my best friends means I'm actually breaking two hearts. It pains me seeing him upset like this, pleading with apologies for me to talk to him. But as far as I can see - it's the only thing I have left.

"I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love,
I did, I did."

But now you're telling me that I don't care about you? That I never did?

We both know that's complete bullshit. And if my Respect and Care post didn't tell you anything, I don't go that way. If you're one of my good friends, then I care about you. Probably more than anyone else. Why do you even think I'm doing all this? For you. All for you. And you'll secretly thank me, and we both know why.

You say you want to go back to how things were, back to when we were still close friends, but that wasn't helping the way things were, or what they were becoming. 

I'm sorry. It never meant to get this far. But you pushed it to here. My limits closed up, my stress levels became too much, and so here we are, and here we'll stay.

For now.

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Well of course it is. ♥

Cheap Therapy.

Yes guys I'm actually doing it - this is a blog about blogging.

Now don't just stop reading now; you might find some of this useful. Or at least interesting.

When you're depressed, or have loads on your mind, I often advise to write a blog.

Most people go "Oh thanks for the advice Dannie, but I don't really think I have the balls to write a blog. Sorry." - but they don't know the half of it.

People often ask me why I do it - why do I throw my life out for everyone to see?

So I've written a list on why people should give it a go.

Pros: 

• You don't have to show people your blog page, and you can write under an alias, pretty much making your page anonymous - if that's what you're after.
• It helps with depression. Seriously guys - I've had two friends of mine make secret blogs, with only myself and maybe another close friend reading them. I got to see how they turned from sullen and dry to someone now happy and full of life. Venting is the key. Though this doesn't work for everyone - I've seen it work more often than it hasn't.
• It's a good way to let people know what's up. If something is going on in your life, and you're sick of explaining the same old story over and over - just send your friends the blog link and tell them to read. It's what I've done a few times, and saved time.
• You can make new friends. With my blog, it's really nice or random when people you hardly talk to comes up and says they read and enjoy my posts. That they're going through the same situations and just open up and talk to me. 
• Like I've said a hundred times - it's excellent venting. Like a diary, though without the whole awkward "Dear Diary" thing and the cramp in your hand from pen usage. You also see all the words typed up in front of you, a good way to take things in and accept it. "So why not just write up a Word post" you ask? I'm not really sure. There's just a difference. Give it a go - you'll see. I personally always feel better after a good blog post. 

Cons:

• If you have a public blog, and you post your link everywhere - nothing is really secret (if you're blogging about your life or something). Although - like me - this isn't really a problem, it can be for people who like to keep some things private, so be careful with that.
• It can become a great procrastination tool - not a good thing to have when you have a million assignments or hours of studying to do.

There are actually loads of other points I have, I just can't really think of them right now.
But if you have any more questions, facebook message or formspring me or something and I'll let you know more.




To my regular readers - sorry about this little fail blog. It's just a kind of advertisement, but I promise I'll type up some more interesting stuff when I find some worthwhile topics or something fucks up my life again.


Talk soon, Dannie.
x

Respect and Care.

There are some people I know, who have no respect.

They have no respect for the people around them, and no respect for themselves.

Now, respect has been a kind of life lesson from as soon as we'd begun to talk.

Respect your elders. (Unknown)

Men are respectable only as they respect. (Ralph Emerson)

Self-respect is the cornerstone of all virtue. (John Herschel)

Respect yourself and others will respect you. (Confucius)

Respect a man, he will do the more. (James Howell) 

So to not have respect, seems to be going against all that we've ever been taught.

You won't go far in life, without respecting your teachers, your employers, or anyone above you in the social ranking. Or at least, you'll find life very hard without it. That's a given.

But instead of respecting the people higher up - what about the people you're supposed to care about at the same level? Shouldn't we respect our close friends, or our siblings, or our significant others too?

You don't seem to think so. Yet there will be hundreds out there to disagree with you.

Respect is a lot more than just being nice. It's about caring about the other person's judgements or opinions. About caring about their feelings, their beliefs. About looking up to them (no matter how short they may be). Just about caring.

The fact that you did none of those to me - and we were supposedly "going out" really offends me. No hard feelings of course - it made getting over you a lot easier. Why, it only took me say...two seconds. If you weren't such a dick, it would have been very different. But you are a dick. So actually, in a way, thanks for that.

"Sometimes we expect more from others, because we would be willing to do that much more for them."

But I'm still seriously annoyed. Who says "yeah we're going out" when they don't even care for the other person?

It's like some unwritten law that to be in a relationship with someone you have to care about them. Care about how they're feeling, what they're up to, where they are.

Care about whether their dog's operation went well, or if they passed that dreaded maths test.

Care about whether they ended up figuring things out after that fight with their parent, or if their music performance flopped or not.

Care about them in general, without thinking that they're some creepy stalker for knowing where you are - when in reality, they only know these things because they listen, and can put two and two together.

Is that really respectful, to tell your supposed girlfriend that you don't actually care about her, or anything else? 

Is that really respectful, to lead someone on like that, before informing them that they can "take you or leave you" - meaning you don't care whatever outcome they choose?

Is that really respectful, to accuse your supposed girlfriend of trying to change you - something she'd told you from the very beginning that she would never try to do.

People should stop being paranoid and just get their acts together.

People should stop thinking they're king shit and treat others right.

People should stop being disrespectful to all of those who have or have tried to ever help them.

Stop being a dick. Stop being a bitch. Stop being all those things that people dislike. Don't change yourself, but change the way you react to people. That's not all that contradictory - it's not changing your beliefs, culture, interests, or anything - it's just called being nice, respectful, and caring.

Maybe you should learn it sometime.

Like Promised.

"So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place."

There's this girl I know, who is absolutely amazing.

She's always been there for me too, always giving the right advice or warnings, or just generally brightening my day.

So what annoys me the most, is that when she in turn needs me - I'm so useless.

People who have seen proper questions on my formspring, can see that I'm generally helpful on the whole advice-giving area. But I guess there are some things that can't be solved by just talking.

There are some moments where you just need a good long hug, a good cry on a shoulder, and two good McDonalds burgers to even feel slightly better.

"I can't fix everything, no matter how much I think I can, or how hard I try."

And this feeling of uselessness - I know it's not my fault. I mean, I can't fix everything, no matter how much I think I can, or how hard I try. But it still hurts all the same, to see someone you feel so close to all crumpled by something inevitable that's going on in their life.

This was only a short promised blog.

Pretty much to say I love you, and I'm here for you.

Even if I'm never completely up-to-date with all the details, nor have the best wisdom when it comes to this area.

But when you make half a heart shape with your hand, I'll be here to make the other.

Always.

x

"But the search ends here,
Where the night is totally clear.
And your heart is fierce,
So now you finally know that you control where you go,
You can steer."

Your Eulogy, My Funeral.

Death. Afterlife, annihilation, darkness, decease, demise, departure, destruction, dying, end, ending, eternal rest, expiration, extermination, extinction, fatality, grave, heaven, loss, mortality, obliteration, oblivion, parting, passing, ruin, silence, sleep, termination, end of life.

I have found - especially recently - that the talk and experience of death in my life has become too prominent. And too common. 

I've had friends with severe, self harming depression.
I've had several friends swear to me that they won't be alive by the end of tomorrow.
I've had hardcore lasses promise that they will slit my throat the next time they see me.
I've had pets die, and seen lambs break their necks on my birthday.
I've been to the funerals of deceased relatives and family friends.

I've heard stories about people whose best friends overdosed at the incredibly young age of fifteen.

I've had two friends (that I know of) - both younger than I am - who were actually diagnosed and then prescribed with anti-depressants.
I've had a time in my life when over 30% of my friends had depression.

I have a friend who never listens, who's always upset, and who always throws around dark  statements about how he's going to kill himself.

He "jokes around" about his deadline; how long he has until he goes through with it.

"I've had several friends swear to me that they won't be alive by the end of tomorrow. "

Is this really the kind of world we live in now? Where people are living in the shadows and dreaming about non-existence? Don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming anyone for any situations they're in right now. I've been through depression, and I know it's not pretty.

But why should it be this way?

Wars are still existent. Don't people learn from history?

People suffer from things such as AIDS and starvation in Africa. Yet if we all donated a few dollars a month to these poor beings - these things could be prevented.

Why do some people become cursed with cancer?

Why do innocent people get gunned down in hold ups and robberies?

Why do reports of domestic violence still exist in today's society?

Why do teenagers commit suicide at this age - before their lives have even truly started?

Just why?

All day - every day - I have these questions spinning around and around in my head.

Is that the same for you? When it all becomes too much, and too insanely crowded and cluttered?

When everything is just too stressful, and too crazy, and too painful? 

And there's only one way to fix it. One way to end the pain forever. One way out. Right?

Do you think you'll go to a heaven? A "better place"? Or do you think you'll be stuck here forever, haunting those souls you abandoned? Those poor people, friends and loved ones that you just dropped and left behind. No one thinks about these things.

Because that's the thing, isn't it?

After death, no one cares about you. It's over. They care about the person you were of course. They care about the person they'll never see again. But you? You're nothing now. Nothing except a pile of ash or a corpse rotting in a box. 

And what about the people you forgot about? The living ones. The troopers, the survivors, the ones that soldier on. 

Did you ever think of them?
They're the ones who have to deal with your death.

They're the ones who have to face the world without you.

They're the ones who have to cope.

Think about others for a change. Don't do everything just to please them - still be yourself. But consider them. Every time you think about doing something - consider them. Every time.

Every time.

"But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
so we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds,
and into the light at the end of the fight."

Awkward?

"And there will come a time, you'll see,
With no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, 

But dismiss your fears."

 

So I like this guy right? Blunt way to start, but give me a break.
And no, it's not my ex. Of course I still like my ex in a friend way - but things were too messy there, and I'd needed to move on.

So back to this new guy. I've been interested for a few weeks now, and we're kind of stuck in that awkward stage right now. You know the one - when you like a guy - and they know you like them (even though you haven't said anything except give really obvious hints) - but you still have no idea whatsoever on their stance on things, and they don't show any signs of giving in and telling you to piss off or stick around.

And all this does is make me doubt. And fret. And stress. And worry.

What if he doesn't like me back?

What if I'm really annoying him?

What if I'm too forward?

What if I'm too short?!

What if I'm too different? 

What if I over-analyze things?

What if my excessive blog writing scares him away like it has everyone else?

What if I ask too many questions??

Well it's probably too late for all that. But still - this is what happens when I am left without a hint, or a word of warning, or a subtle wink.

"And all this does is make me doubt. And fret. And stress. And worry."

I'm left to my own devices, and even worse, my own mind.

Not that there's anything particularly wrong with my mind.

I've just found this year, that when I'm stressed about everything and left on my own; the combination of the two lead to me feeling extremely down.

And when I'm left on my own for a really, really long time, I can become depressed. All over again. Although these small bouts of "depression" (if you could even call them that) don't usually last an absurd amount of time compared to some; they're still unwanted, unnecessary, and loathed.

But I've heard that a healthy relationship can actually help you when you're depressed. Having that constant assurance that someone is there for you, can really help. And I've had many people actually tell me that a better love life actually cured their depression - so maybe this isn't so bad to aim for?

And why do I want a relationship anyway - you may ask? Surely that's not the only reason?

I mean, clearly I'm just going to get my heart broken in the inevitable break up, and it's going to be a mass loss of time, and probably money by the end of it all. I'll end up with loads of regrets, and will probably become depressed again at the end of it all (oh, joy).

But what I say to all that? Fuck it.

I want that sudden ecstasy of seeing their name forever popping up on my phone's small screen.

I want to have someone to call when I'm upset, and immediately be able to understand what I mean throughout the sobbing and hiccoughing and muttered gibberish.

I want to have someone to cuddle, and not let go.

I want someone to know to lean on, and someone to lean on me when they need it too.

But clearly - I just want someone.

Being in a relationship at this age is usually like smoking. It feels great while you're doing it, and you soon become addicted to the cigarette - but when you're torn away from it, your mind and body fuck up, and the long term effects like cancer are truly disastrous. But while you're still smoking - who really cares? 

I don't really know why I wrote this blog. I really wrote it with the intentions of saving it to my drafts, so I could read over it in a couple of weeks and think "oh Dannie, you fool" and laugh at myself. 

But I haven't blogged in ages, so I'm actually going to click "post" and watch as this blog fucks everything up.

Because they always do. It's actually really bad for me in that sense.

Yet like that metaphor - I keep smoking it.

"I can't promise you that I won't let you down. 

And I can't promise you that I will be the only one around,

When your hope falls down. 

But we're young, 

Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world.
And love - this city breathes the plague,
Of loving things more than their creators."

The Love Triangle: A Recount.

"But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and I let you go,

But you're still the only one that feels like home."

Last night I was at an after party. And things got messy. Not entirely because of the alcoholic content available, but more so because of a few issues that was happening between myself, a friend (who we'll call Miss Maid), and an ex boyfriend (who we'll call Number Three).

You see, Number Three and I, we have a good history. And things had started sparking up between us again. Unfortunately for Miss Maid, feelings had started sparking up for her towards him too, and things had happened at a particular gathering half a week ago that well, to put it bluntly - fucked things up for both her and him.

It's no ones fault really. Just they say not to mix alcohol, and people don't seem to realise that they don't only mean drugs and certain other drinks when they say that. You need to take in situations and circumstance, mental stability and pressure. And too few people acknowledge that.

Now, I remember everything fairly clearly, but there were a few moments that stand out from last night.

There was the bit at the beginning, before I'd even drunk anything, but Miss Maid had already consumed a fair bit. She was upset, and isolated, and I remember opening up to her, admitting that I hadn't been able to trust guys properly ever since my last...obsession (if you will), with "The Gentleman". I hadn't been able to accept them straight up, and was finding it hard to let new ones in. I told her how - with Number Three - I didn't need to let him in or accept him because he was already there, always had been. I already trusted him, and didn't need to scope out whether or not he would just walk out on me when things got slightly complicated.
I also remember promising to her that I would not do anything that night with Number Three.

"I didn't need to let him in or accept him because he was already there, always had been."

Things got a little better after that, and I remember lying in the cul-de-sac, laughing and chatting with a few others, being probably a bit too noisy for 1am. That was one of the only times I saw Miss Maid really happy for the whole night.

Because there were then a couple of times when I was merely talking to Number Three when Miss Maid would walk in, jump to the conclusion that we were sucking face, call me a bitch and storm outside.

Sure I was more than angry that she would jump to that conclusion after I'd promised her otherwise, but how do you express that anger to someone who is now sitting in the wet grass, screaming things about how it's okay, she won't be around tomorrow to care anyway.

Personally, the threat of suicide is thrown around a little too much in my life. And it's becoming harder for me to handle.
After calming her down a bit, she convinced herself that it would be a much better option to kiss the reasonably attractive trumpet player that had been hanging around. I wasn't about to argue.

Another memory, is sitting by the heater, in a state of confusion and light-headed dizziness.

I'd convinced myself it would be a nice idea to lie around the corner of the backyard, on a slab of concrete and stare at the tree-tops. Apparently I was there for longer than I'd thought, but I probably would have frozen if Number Three hadn't come over and draped his jacket over me, hugging me as I shook, complained, and just talked about everything. It was nice, but hazy. And very cold. And very sad.

That's really how I see this whole situation. A hazy state of confusion and mixed feelings, blended in with sad emotions, that had been dug up and re-earthed after being buried a long time ago. 

In all honesty, I don't know what to do. Miss Maid has said she now gives her "permission" to date Number Three again, but I don't know how that's going to fair in light of things.

I don't know what's going to happen at the end of it all, nor what I'm expected to do from this situation.

As a reader, I guess you can just hang in there. Being Dannie, I'll keep you posted on how it all folds out. And I'm all up for advice, but don't expect me to take it.

But to Miss Maid and Number Three - I love you both. And I hope this ends in someway soon, so we can all get back to how things were.

 "I don't know what I've done,
Or if I like what I've begun.
But something told me to run,
And honey you know me it's all or none."

Don't Give Up.

"And we tried, oh how we cried.
We lost ourselves, the love has died.
And oh, we tried, you can't deny,
We're left as shells, we lost the fight."

I have this friend. I call him a friend rather than an aquaintance, because that's what I hope we can be. And I don't want to lose him.

Him. Let's just call him LJ for the time being. And those aren't his initials, so don't even think about stalking my facebook friends in an attempt to find him. 

Now LJ, has been feeling a bit...down lately.

Ha, lately. He's been feeling a bit depressed for a while actually. But last night, was the worst I'd ever seen him. The worst his best friend had ever seen him.

And I know he wants us to butt out. Well, at least me to butt out. And not worry. And let him deal with it on his own. He doesn't feel like he knows me enough for me to interfere like I am. And he has a point. 
 

And it makes me wonder. How close do you need to be to someone before you can start calling the shots, claiming that you have the right to know how they are, to know if they're okay? To know if they're still alive? Is it merely the resident best friend's job? Or can other people intrude rudely and ask questions?

Personally, the answers change depending on the situation. 

If you were the one who was doubting your own life, who was thinking of giving up - the answer would be that it's only your business to know, and yes maybe the best friend's, and no one elses.

But if you were the random who cared for said person, then you'd want the answer to be that they'll at least keep you updated. Or talk to you conversationally, rather than a simple "Hi" or "I'm fine" and that's it.

"We all love you."

I know you don't want to talk to me right now. Heck, you don't really want to talk to anyone right now.
But hopefully you'll at least take the time to read this.
You have so much talent.
You have so many friends.
You are smart and unique and just need to apply yourself and you'll be excellent at everything and anything you attempt.
I care about you.
I'm here for you.
No matter how much I'm shunned, or pushed away, I will wait here - quietly or with hoarding questions - I'll still be waiting.

And I feel like I really need you.
I need someone to look after me when I'm crazy and not thinking.
I need someone to learn from, to discover the secrets of the HSC with - the good and the bad, the pressure, stess, and the celebratory eventual ease.
I need someone to breathe out in my face, and tell me not to walk up the driveway - no matter how consistant I am that I'm safe to walk.
I need you to tell me everything's okay - in a calm tone - when I'm breaking down and crumpling in a stairwell - an hour before I'm meant to be on stage - simply fearing for you.

You can use me as an extra friend on Facebook, a warm hug on an icy day, a passing-by wave or nod, or just someone to sit with silently at lunch times. You don't have to talk, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to even acknowledge I exist. But you should know - always - that I'm here to listen, and I'm here to comfort or cry, or spill secrets. I'm here for a laugh or a smile or a sit through serious jamming. I'm here to recount good times - and bad times.


But most of all, I'm here.
And that's really what I wanted to say.
We all love you.

"Don't give up,
You still have us.
We're proud of who you are.
You know it's never been easy.
Don't give up,
'Cause I believe there's the a place,
There's a place where we belong."

The Number Nine.

"And a house is not a home,
When there's no one there to hold you tight,
And no one there you can kiss good night."

A stitch in time, saves nine.

There are nine major planets in our solar system.

A cat is said to have nine lives.

There is a limit of nine innings in a baseball game.

A human pregnancy approximately lasts nine months.

I have a very small, very perfect number nine, etched into my skin where a bird bit me today.

And this last nine, actually really annoys me for two reasons.
One, because it is on the side of my right hand, at the bottom of my index finger, so that whenever I look down at what I'm typing, or holding - I see it there. 

And two - it makes me wonder. Because this small incision in my skin, this small mark where that bird's beak pierced my hand - it's too perfect to be an accident.

And I know it sounds stupid, and seems like complete superficial nonsense - but I think this symbol might mean something.

Whether it's something to make me remember that I am brave enough to grab two wild Rainbow Lorikeets and throw them out the window in maths class, or whether it's a sign for something about to happen - I don't know. I mean, tomorrow is the ninth - perhaps it means that'll be a good day for me. But whatever it is, the mysteriousness about this mark on my hand really intrigues me. A little too much.

And all this research on the number nine makes me think I know why.

"I have a very small, very perfect number nine, etched into my skin."

I've been having a lot of emotional relapses lately.

The kind where I think I'm over you, then something will happen, and I'll remember a certain memory, and then everything will come back and I will suddenly be the obsessive, young child you constantly accuse me of being. The obsessive, young child that I probably am.

But as of a few days ago, I looked back at those "relapse memories" with a sigh and a smile, rather than a sense of longing.
Kind of like the final acceptance of a deceased childhood pet. I'll remember those times we had, and honour them, but I'll accept that I'll never get them back.

So now, this genuine feeling of finally "getting over you" - well, it feels real. It feels like birds flying. Like hopping back into bed after turning off your nagging, annoying alarm in the morning. Like a compliment on a bad hair day. Like a fresh start.

Like freedom.

I'm beginning to think the number nine on my hand could mean a new beginning.

In many languages, nine and new are similar words. For instance, in Spanish nine and new are nueve and nuevo. In French the word neuf means both nine and new. 

So it could be that. 

Or it could just be a cut in my skin, caused by a frenzied bird.

"So rather than trying to protect you,
I'm going to cover my bases first.
So rather than trying to open my heart,
I'm going to lock it with a key.
So that only the special ones,
Can ever get through to me."