Your Eulogy, My Funeral.

Death. Afterlife, annihilation, darkness, decease, demise, departure, destruction, dying, end, ending, eternal rest, expiration, extermination, extinction, fatality, grave, heaven, loss, mortality, obliteration, oblivion, parting, passing, ruin, silence, sleep, termination, end of life.

I have found - especially recently - that the talk and experience of death in my life has become too prominent. And too common. 

I've had friends with severe, self harming depression.
I've had several friends swear to me that they won't be alive by the end of tomorrow.
I've had hardcore lasses promise that they will slit my throat the next time they see me.
I've had pets die, and seen lambs break their necks on my birthday.
I've been to the funerals of deceased relatives and family friends.

I've heard stories about people whose best friends overdosed at the incredibly young age of fifteen.

I've had two friends (that I know of) - both younger than I am - who were actually diagnosed and then prescribed with anti-depressants.
I've had a time in my life when over 30% of my friends had depression.

I have a friend who never listens, who's always upset, and who always throws around dark  statements about how he's going to kill himself.

He "jokes around" about his deadline; how long he has until he goes through with it.

"I've had several friends swear to me that they won't be alive by the end of tomorrow. "

Is this really the kind of world we live in now? Where people are living in the shadows and dreaming about non-existence? Don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming anyone for any situations they're in right now. I've been through depression, and I know it's not pretty.

But why should it be this way?

Wars are still existent. Don't people learn from history?

People suffer from things such as AIDS and starvation in Africa. Yet if we all donated a few dollars a month to these poor beings - these things could be prevented.

Why do some people become cursed with cancer?

Why do innocent people get gunned down in hold ups and robberies?

Why do reports of domestic violence still exist in today's society?

Why do teenagers commit suicide at this age - before their lives have even truly started?

Just why?

All day - every day - I have these questions spinning around and around in my head.

Is that the same for you? When it all becomes too much, and too insanely crowded and cluttered?

When everything is just too stressful, and too crazy, and too painful? 

And there's only one way to fix it. One way to end the pain forever. One way out. Right?

Do you think you'll go to a heaven? A "better place"? Or do you think you'll be stuck here forever, haunting those souls you abandoned? Those poor people, friends and loved ones that you just dropped and left behind. No one thinks about these things.

Because that's the thing, isn't it?

After death, no one cares about you. It's over. They care about the person you were of course. They care about the person they'll never see again. But you? You're nothing now. Nothing except a pile of ash or a corpse rotting in a box. 

And what about the people you forgot about? The living ones. The troopers, the survivors, the ones that soldier on. 

Did you ever think of them?
They're the ones who have to deal with your death.

They're the ones who have to face the world without you.

They're the ones who have to cope.

Think about others for a change. Don't do everything just to please them - still be yourself. But consider them. Every time you think about doing something - consider them. Every time.

Every time.

"But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
so we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds,
and into the light at the end of the fight."

Awkward?

"And there will come a time, you'll see,
With no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, 

But dismiss your fears."

 

So I like this guy right? Blunt way to start, but give me a break.
And no, it's not my ex. Of course I still like my ex in a friend way - but things were too messy there, and I'd needed to move on.

So back to this new guy. I've been interested for a few weeks now, and we're kind of stuck in that awkward stage right now. You know the one - when you like a guy - and they know you like them (even though you haven't said anything except give really obvious hints) - but you still have no idea whatsoever on their stance on things, and they don't show any signs of giving in and telling you to piss off or stick around.

And all this does is make me doubt. And fret. And stress. And worry.

What if he doesn't like me back?

What if I'm really annoying him?

What if I'm too forward?

What if I'm too short?!

What if I'm too different? 

What if I over-analyze things?

What if my excessive blog writing scares him away like it has everyone else?

What if I ask too many questions??

Well it's probably too late for all that. But still - this is what happens when I am left without a hint, or a word of warning, or a subtle wink.

"And all this does is make me doubt. And fret. And stress. And worry."

I'm left to my own devices, and even worse, my own mind.

Not that there's anything particularly wrong with my mind.

I've just found this year, that when I'm stressed about everything and left on my own; the combination of the two lead to me feeling extremely down.

And when I'm left on my own for a really, really long time, I can become depressed. All over again. Although these small bouts of "depression" (if you could even call them that) don't usually last an absurd amount of time compared to some; they're still unwanted, unnecessary, and loathed.

But I've heard that a healthy relationship can actually help you when you're depressed. Having that constant assurance that someone is there for you, can really help. And I've had many people actually tell me that a better love life actually cured their depression - so maybe this isn't so bad to aim for?

And why do I want a relationship anyway - you may ask? Surely that's not the only reason?

I mean, clearly I'm just going to get my heart broken in the inevitable break up, and it's going to be a mass loss of time, and probably money by the end of it all. I'll end up with loads of regrets, and will probably become depressed again at the end of it all (oh, joy).

But what I say to all that? Fuck it.

I want that sudden ecstasy of seeing their name forever popping up on my phone's small screen.

I want to have someone to call when I'm upset, and immediately be able to understand what I mean throughout the sobbing and hiccoughing and muttered gibberish.

I want to have someone to cuddle, and not let go.

I want someone to know to lean on, and someone to lean on me when they need it too.

But clearly - I just want someone.

Being in a relationship at this age is usually like smoking. It feels great while you're doing it, and you soon become addicted to the cigarette - but when you're torn away from it, your mind and body fuck up, and the long term effects like cancer are truly disastrous. But while you're still smoking - who really cares? 

I don't really know why I wrote this blog. I really wrote it with the intentions of saving it to my drafts, so I could read over it in a couple of weeks and think "oh Dannie, you fool" and laugh at myself. 

But I haven't blogged in ages, so I'm actually going to click "post" and watch as this blog fucks everything up.

Because they always do. It's actually really bad for me in that sense.

Yet like that metaphor - I keep smoking it.

"I can't promise you that I won't let you down. 

And I can't promise you that I will be the only one around,

When your hope falls down. 

But we're young, 

Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world.
And love - this city breathes the plague,
Of loving things more than their creators."

The Love Triangle: A Recount.

"But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and I let you go,

But you're still the only one that feels like home."

Last night I was at an after party. And things got messy. Not entirely because of the alcoholic content available, but more so because of a few issues that was happening between myself, a friend (who we'll call Miss Maid), and an ex boyfriend (who we'll call Number Three).

You see, Number Three and I, we have a good history. And things had started sparking up between us again. Unfortunately for Miss Maid, feelings had started sparking up for her towards him too, and things had happened at a particular gathering half a week ago that well, to put it bluntly - fucked things up for both her and him.

It's no ones fault really. Just they say not to mix alcohol, and people don't seem to realise that they don't only mean drugs and certain other drinks when they say that. You need to take in situations and circumstance, mental stability and pressure. And too few people acknowledge that.

Now, I remember everything fairly clearly, but there were a few moments that stand out from last night.

There was the bit at the beginning, before I'd even drunk anything, but Miss Maid had already consumed a fair bit. She was upset, and isolated, and I remember opening up to her, admitting that I hadn't been able to trust guys properly ever since my last...obsession (if you will), with "The Gentleman". I hadn't been able to accept them straight up, and was finding it hard to let new ones in. I told her how - with Number Three - I didn't need to let him in or accept him because he was already there, always had been. I already trusted him, and didn't need to scope out whether or not he would just walk out on me when things got slightly complicated.
I also remember promising to her that I would not do anything that night with Number Three.

"I didn't need to let him in or accept him because he was already there, always had been."

Things got a little better after that, and I remember lying in the cul-de-sac, laughing and chatting with a few others, being probably a bit too noisy for 1am. That was one of the only times I saw Miss Maid really happy for the whole night.

Because there were then a couple of times when I was merely talking to Number Three when Miss Maid would walk in, jump to the conclusion that we were sucking face, call me a bitch and storm outside.

Sure I was more than angry that she would jump to that conclusion after I'd promised her otherwise, but how do you express that anger to someone who is now sitting in the wet grass, screaming things about how it's okay, she won't be around tomorrow to care anyway.

Personally, the threat of suicide is thrown around a little too much in my life. And it's becoming harder for me to handle.
After calming her down a bit, she convinced herself that it would be a much better option to kiss the reasonably attractive trumpet player that had been hanging around. I wasn't about to argue.

Another memory, is sitting by the heater, in a state of confusion and light-headed dizziness.

I'd convinced myself it would be a nice idea to lie around the corner of the backyard, on a slab of concrete and stare at the tree-tops. Apparently I was there for longer than I'd thought, but I probably would have frozen if Number Three hadn't come over and draped his jacket over me, hugging me as I shook, complained, and just talked about everything. It was nice, but hazy. And very cold. And very sad.

That's really how I see this whole situation. A hazy state of confusion and mixed feelings, blended in with sad emotions, that had been dug up and re-earthed after being buried a long time ago. 

In all honesty, I don't know what to do. Miss Maid has said she now gives her "permission" to date Number Three again, but I don't know how that's going to fair in light of things.

I don't know what's going to happen at the end of it all, nor what I'm expected to do from this situation.

As a reader, I guess you can just hang in there. Being Dannie, I'll keep you posted on how it all folds out. And I'm all up for advice, but don't expect me to take it.

But to Miss Maid and Number Three - I love you both. And I hope this ends in someway soon, so we can all get back to how things were.

 "I don't know what I've done,
Or if I like what I've begun.
But something told me to run,
And honey you know me it's all or none."

Don't Give Up.

"And we tried, oh how we cried.
We lost ourselves, the love has died.
And oh, we tried, you can't deny,
We're left as shells, we lost the fight."

I have this friend. I call him a friend rather than an aquaintance, because that's what I hope we can be. And I don't want to lose him.

Him. Let's just call him LJ for the time being. And those aren't his initials, so don't even think about stalking my facebook friends in an attempt to find him. 

Now LJ, has been feeling a bit...down lately.

Ha, lately. He's been feeling a bit depressed for a while actually. But last night, was the worst I'd ever seen him. The worst his best friend had ever seen him.

And I know he wants us to butt out. Well, at least me to butt out. And not worry. And let him deal with it on his own. He doesn't feel like he knows me enough for me to interfere like I am. And he has a point. 
 

And it makes me wonder. How close do you need to be to someone before you can start calling the shots, claiming that you have the right to know how they are, to know if they're okay? To know if they're still alive? Is it merely the resident best friend's job? Or can other people intrude rudely and ask questions?

Personally, the answers change depending on the situation. 

If you were the one who was doubting your own life, who was thinking of giving up - the answer would be that it's only your business to know, and yes maybe the best friend's, and no one elses.

But if you were the random who cared for said person, then you'd want the answer to be that they'll at least keep you updated. Or talk to you conversationally, rather than a simple "Hi" or "I'm fine" and that's it.

"We all love you."

I know you don't want to talk to me right now. Heck, you don't really want to talk to anyone right now.
But hopefully you'll at least take the time to read this.
You have so much talent.
You have so many friends.
You are smart and unique and just need to apply yourself and you'll be excellent at everything and anything you attempt.
I care about you.
I'm here for you.
No matter how much I'm shunned, or pushed away, I will wait here - quietly or with hoarding questions - I'll still be waiting.

And I feel like I really need you.
I need someone to look after me when I'm crazy and not thinking.
I need someone to learn from, to discover the secrets of the HSC with - the good and the bad, the pressure, stess, and the celebratory eventual ease.
I need someone to breathe out in my face, and tell me not to walk up the driveway - no matter how consistant I am that I'm safe to walk.
I need you to tell me everything's okay - in a calm tone - when I'm breaking down and crumpling in a stairwell - an hour before I'm meant to be on stage - simply fearing for you.

You can use me as an extra friend on Facebook, a warm hug on an icy day, a passing-by wave or nod, or just someone to sit with silently at lunch times. You don't have to talk, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to even acknowledge I exist. But you should know - always - that I'm here to listen, and I'm here to comfort or cry, or spill secrets. I'm here for a laugh or a smile or a sit through serious jamming. I'm here to recount good times - and bad times.


But most of all, I'm here.
And that's really what I wanted to say.
We all love you.

"Don't give up,
You still have us.
We're proud of who you are.
You know it's never been easy.
Don't give up,
'Cause I believe there's the a place,
There's a place where we belong."