100 Repetitions of This Year.

I recently read a blog where my friend wrote everything that’s happened from the start of this year in a list. I really enjoyed it, and thought – maybe I should be a snobby copycat and steal her idea. Then I thought, no, that’s mean.
Yet here I am, and here you are, but please, before you read my list, read hers: Little Darling.

1.      Saw fireworks in the city – surrounded by my three favourite boys.

2.      “Watched” Sherlock Holmes with an ex.

3.      Went on a plane for the second time in my life.

4.      Spent a weekend with identical twins.

5.      Met a paedophile named Liam.

6.      Learnt that a paedophile named Liam liked Twilight. A lot.

7.      Used hand sanitizer after running away from a paedophile named Liam.

8.      Found an amazing shop called Retro Star.

9.      Spent two hours in PhotoPlus.

10.    Went on a plane for the third time in my life.

11.    Watched Donnie Darko.

12.    Had nightmares about the rabbit from Donnie Darko.

13.    Made Hike of the Dead - a zombie movie starring real lizards.

14.    Met up with Mary and got scared by creepy Red Cross volunteers.

15.    Met up with the Lane Cove boys and Mary and went to Balmoral.

16.    Probably caught many “transmittable diseases” from Balmoral Beach’s sand.

17.    Watched a zombie movie while being interrupted by Chelsea; the soft vibrating cat.

18.    Slept in an ex’s bed with Mary.

19.    Became obsessed with an ex.

20.    Got a fringe.

21.    Wrote an abusive blog about ex.

22.    Got over ex (again).

23.    Caught my first bus into Mt Colah.

24.    Filmed inappropriate things at musical rehearsal.

25.    Became a Sexy French Maid Bunny for a night at an ill-themed 16th.

26.    Met some lovely Barker Boys.

27.    Loved year eleven.

28.    Did 101 school assignments.

29.    Hated year eleven.

30.    Became good friends with a Tinman.

31.    Performed in the Wizard of Oz as a very cowardly, gender-confused Lion.

32.    Met an old acquaintance.

33.    Became close with the old acquaintance.

34.    Had the musical after party.

35.    Spent the night with a “gentleman”.

36.    Worked for the first time in two months.

37.    Fought for a subject change from biology.

38.    And fought.

39.    And fought.

40.    Became Miss Cecily Cardew for the day.

41.    Became obsessed with the Importance of Being Earnest.

42.    Changed from biology to music!

43.    Loved year eleven (again).

44.    Became obsessed with the gentleman.

45.    Was politely knocked back by the gentleman.

46.    Did first music assessment. Felt embarrassed and humiliated.

47.    Went to the doctors.

48.    Was told by the doctor that I’m too stressed.

49.    Got a blood test.

50.    Still obsessed over the gentleman.

51.    Went on Dragon Skin.

52.    Caught up with the lovely Mr Spinelli.

53.    Caught up with the lovely Mr Manurehead.

54.    Met a boy with gorgeous blue eyes.

55.    Rejected boy with gorgeous blue eyes.

56.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

57.    Regretted rejecting boy with gorgeous blue eyes.

58.    Came home from Dragon Skin.

59.    Finished writing a Tik Tok parody to Harry Potter lyrics.

60.    Went on a scavenger hunt in the city with my drama besties.

61.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

62.    Too much.

63.    Was completely fucked for the entire scavenger hunt.

64.    Was hysterical for the entire scavenger hunt.

65.    Calmed down after getting a decor manicure on one nail.

66.    Reminisced about past outings with the A-Team.

67.    Saw Wicked. Thought it was pretty awesome.

68.    Rocked up to Smally’s house three hours early.

69.    Tasted Mi Goreng for the first time.

70.    "Buggered off" with Smally and Cam.

71.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

72.    Met Lottie for the second time.

73.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

74.    Watched 26 hours worth of Avatar: The Last Airbender episodes.

75.    Didn’t sleep for 32 hours.

76.    Slept.

77.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

78.    Got a fringe (again).

79.    Had a dentist appointment.

80.    Was told by the dentist that I stress too much.

81.    Stopped obsessing over the gentleman (finally).

82.    Had a lunch with the Ward Family. My cousins make me laugh.

83.    Watched Cabaret for the first time.

84.    Appreciated Liza Minnelli.

85.    Hated year eleven (again).

86.    Went to the doctors (again).

87.    Was told by the doctor that my blood says I am perfectly normal.

88.    Went to a Queen Scout Presentation.

89.    Met the gentleman’s best friends. Thought they were more gentlemanly than the gentleman.

90.    Went to the Hornsby Anzac Day Dawn Service.

91.    Regretted the all nighter.

92.    Received a beautiful surprise from her best friend involving coffee beans and turtles.

93.    Didn’t study at all for exams.

94.    Did the Advanced English exam.

95.    Regretted not studying at all for exams.

96.    Got “anti-stress” drops from Hayley.

97.    Stopped stressing over not studying at all for exams.

98.    Did Food Tech exam.

99.    Got divorced by Gaybi.

100.  Wrote this blog.

How Unexpected.

"There might have been a time,
When I would let you slip away.
I wouldn't even try,
But I think you could save my life."
  
The weirdest thing about this world, is that things aren't always what they seem. And I really hate that. It means you can't rely on instincts, or appearance - because things never cease to jump forward and slam your original opinions back into your face.

The quiet, Christian boy is actually going through the same things you are - even though his feelings are hidden from the world.
The school bully is actually the most insecure person you know, even though he rags on the insecurities of others.
The queen bee is having issues at home, even though she still acts like she's on top of the world.
The entire family that is obnoxious are still throwing money away like they own the place, even though they are in major debt.
The outgoing, crazy girl is actually heartbroken, and constantly jealous of her sister, even though she's got five times the personality, looks and soul of that "Skinny Blonde Bitch".
The class slut is actually a very nice person, even though she can seem wild and wanton.
The guy you thought was such a gentleman, is actually a complete jerk, even though he has non-jerk friends.


Things aren't what they seem, because humans have perfected the art of masks. Hiding your emotions from the world is something we've all become quite good at. 
When someone asks if you're okay, and you say you're "just tired", is that ever the real reason?
We all know it isn't, it's just because we don't want to instead say "Oh, no, actually I'm really fucked at the moment, because I just spent the last four weeks obsessing over a boy who doesn't love me, stressing over that rather than my failing subjects, all of which I have exams for in, oh, three days. And, because of the immense state of my emotional mind, my body is actually shutting down, and growing wearier, no matter how much sleep I get. So I actually think - no. I am not okay."

I mean, if we actually said that, what would the inquisitive person have thought? They really wouldn't have known what to say. Unless they want to join the party, and select from one of the many lines I have heard repeatedly. Such as "Boys aren't worth your trouble." OR "Oh my God you're still after him?!" OR "Oh my goodness Dannielle! He isn't even as attractive as anyone you could get!" OR "Why don't you just get over him!?"
Yeah, thanks guys, all those statements and pieces of advice really help. Thank you for telling me them, I am just going to snap my fingers and everything will be behind me! I'm so glad you said that!
They just didn't understand, that all I needed, was time, and a bit of a change in attitude. 

"Hiding your emotions from the world is something we've all become quite good at."

Masks aren't only used in times of emotional distress however.
They are just everyday acting. Of course, people who are better actors than others can pull off masks a lot better, but even those who have no dramatic experience, can hide their feelings well when needed.
Political leaders for example, tell the world everything is going well in their wars and their countries; masking their fears and knowledge that actually, everything is not okay - which is why things such as terrorist attacks and economic breakdowns come as such great surprises to us.
Then there are mothers, as another example, who will advise their children that the there are bad things out there, and that you shouldn't do certain things; masking the fact that something terrible had happened to them when they were young, and they just aren't up to telling you.


Masks can either protect us or harm us, but for whatever reason they're there, they usually have the best intentions for the individual. Even if the individual doesn't agree.

"If I could find a souvenir,
Just to prove the world was here.
And here is a red balloon;
I think of you and let it go. "

What A Relief.

"What if I wanted to break,
Laugh it all off in your face -
What would you do?"

I saw you today. And you know what? Nothing happened. There were no butterflies, no sudden pounding of my heart. All I felt, was a strong surge of hatred. And yeah, that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

I think this means I'm finally over you. The fact that I no longer have good or even mixed feelings for you must be a step in the right direction. Right?
I'm beginning to feel happy again - I can now go out with friends, laugh and be plain fucked - without thinking of you once. And you know what? It feels amazing!

"Would it have even worked?"

You say you hadn't wanted to feel tied down, but now I realise that it had just been me who was tied down already - with mediocre obsessions and obscure ideas that were just blinding my vision, and blinding my life.
Those fun hook-ups and random boy huntings that I'd used to enjoy had become difficult chores, but hopefully that has all changed. I'm ready to move on.

I think a main contribution to this sudden realisation is from looking at my aims from a different perspective. Because even if I had gotten my wish, and we'd ended up together, would it have even worked? Whatever we had had at the beginning, I think I'd destroyed within the first week or so. I mean, so much has happened, and so much has been discussed since then. It wouldn't have been the same. It just took me a while to understand that.

You say you'd wanted to still be friends, but honey - I don't even know if we're that anymore.

"What if I fell to the floor,
Couldn't take all this anymore -
What would you do?"

Lost in War.

"In this proud land we grew up strong,
We were wanted all along.
I was taught to fight, taught to win.
I never thought I could fail."

To be at war with someone - it's like you're on two different sides of the battlefield.

The fact that the other side just make you so angry; it will help you to never give up the fight.
Every ally of theirs is another enemy of yours. And even if they are the seemingly innocent ones of this war - you're not going to let them win. You're not going to let it end. Not until they understand that you're right, and they're wrong. You're strong and they're weak. You will fight until you get what you want.

You keep at it, keep struggling, and you can see the toll you're taking on them. You can see the damage you've made - and you're proud of it. You can see them starting to weaken, and it sends you on a high that only you, personally, can feel.

And you will never give up - well, so you thought.

Until you look back at your own team of fighters. Your own army. 

You notice that they're growing tired of your countless charades, your repetitive attacks, and your useless tactics. 

They're finally bored of your ongoing rants and your newest schemes. 

"Just give up." They say, a last desperate plea. They can see that however weak the other side is - you're no closer to winning. Because without realising it - you're just as pathetic as they are. 

And with this new mindset - you see everything differently. You notice that it is your own blood  that is spilled across "No Mans Land". It's your own men who have fallen, your own limbs that have been lost. Suddenly, the fact that you're fighting for a lost cause becomes dominant, and faith slips from your hands. The confidence for winning that you possessed before is now gone, and you are left with that sinking feeling of failure.

"Because without realising it - you're just as pathetic as they are."

It's all about the way you view the fight. Winning isn't really about defeating the opposition. It's more about keeping them from defeating you.

And that is something that many people, including myself, are yet to finally understand. 

I am fighting in a war that is not even recognised on the other side of the battlefield. It is not reciprocated in any way. So technically, I'm fighting a war with myself.
And I'm losing.

"No fight left or so it seems.
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted.
I've changed my face, I've changed my name,
But no one wants you when you lose."

Guess Who's Back?

Okay, so I lasted over a week without blogging - I'm proud! And yeah, I could've lasted longer, but the reason I'd taken a temporary leave, was so that I would stop blogging about one poor guy. I wanted to wait until I just got over him. And about a thousand Tumblr posts later, I have. Kinda. I mean, I'm not exactly over him, but I accept it, and I'm cool with it.

A friend of mine was talking to me the other day. He mentioned how he was concerned that I was posting depressing statuses a lot recently on Facebook, and he asked why. I said it was my substitute for quitting blogging. He asked me why I did it. Why did I post my business all over the internet for everyone to read? Why didn't I just write it all down in a diary? Or type them up, but not post them?

And the weird thing was, I couldn't really answer him. I mean, I have a diary - it isn't used very often - but blogging is just...different. It makes me feel better. Seeing everything on screen helps me find some sort of closure about the situation. Helps me to accept it. Plus, it develops my writing style, and writing is something I enjoy - when there are no boundaries.

Blogging isn't just writing up what you did that day, or (believe it or not) just bitching about a topic.

"It makes me feel better."

It's a lot more than that. And for once, I can't think of some witty analogy to explain it easier.

I can't say I don't write for the attention either, because truth is, I love attention. Heck, we all do. I'm the kind of girl who when I was little, would wish to break my leg, just so I could have the cool cast that everyone would get to sign. But I do realise that there is a line, and blogging is my limit.

Also, it's a good way of telling people (or one person), how you feel, without actually telling them to their face.

More recently, a girl I was talking to asked me why I was seemingly more upset lately. I told her it was because I couldn't vent through blogging, and talking doesn't really help.

She said "But, that seems stupid: why quit if it makes you feel better?"

And you know what? She's right. I'm not going to quit just because one person disapproves. I'm not going to quit just because a few people think I go too far by telling the world my life and lies. If I enjoy it, I'm going to keep doing it. And if you don't like it? Then don't read it. 

I know you all were expecting some great comeback special - some amazing piece of writing to make up for the many I missed out on - but really, I just think this needed to be said.

That is all.

But please, visit My Tumblr Account.

Letter of Resignation.

Fellow Readers,

I have made one of the most annoyingly difficult decisions in my life.

I am temporarily giving up blogging. 

Not sure when I am coming back.

There will be random posts sent to my Tumblr account (www.missdoona.tumblr.com), but as for proper venting, well, looks like my friends shall receive the burden for now.

Blogging was meant to be a safe way for me to get my point across, or to let people know how I was feeling without actually telling them. Now it just always seems to just get me into trouble, and piss of the ones I love most.

So let's see how long I last without it.

x Dannie.

Over You, Or Over It?

"Don't be obscene, I can't conceive of living without you.

You say you drag me down, no one should want you now,
I start to cry, you kiss my eyes and say I'm not allowed to."

About a week ago, I made a decision to stop the chase. I expected it to be easy. All I had to do was not text you or talk to you for a while until we finally lost contact causing me to finally move on. I would give you monotone answers via technology, as to not confuse myself, or even you in where I stand here. But then, the night after my decision, you call to make sure I'm alright. And it all comes flooding back. Hours of hard work destroyed in one "accept" of the call on my mobile.

You tell me constantly to move on. Saying not to waste precious teenage years on you; that I should be out there, messing about and having fun. I mean seriously this is sounding as fucked up as a Twilight novel, with Edward trying to convince Bella to live out the rest of her experiences and all that (yes, I know I just used a Twilight reference - it's sad, but unfortunately fitting). 

But you of all people know that that's all easier said than done. I guess I'll get used to it eventually. But when I finally move on, I wonder: Will it be because I am over you, or just over everything else?

Everyone knows that getting over someone who doesn't have any interest in you at all is the hardest thing to do. Especially when everything you see and do reminds you of said person.

For example, I can't hand out scratchies at Boost, see a certain kind of car, visit the school hall, go to Penno Park, or say sooo many words just because they all remind me of you. So this is: working, going near a road, going to school, walking around my local area, and talking I'm rambling on about here. And you wonder why I can't just drop everything and turn my back on you? Everything I fucking do brings back some memory that my brain is being too stupid to just forget.

And it hurts, knowing that those memories, are now all in vain.

"Waiting a year may do us both some good."

***

I went on a camp this weekend. Well, not really a camp. More a three night hike with about a thousand Venturers (15-17 years)  from all over NSW, plus approximately six hundred Rovers (18+ years), all going to a remote forest, camping and hiking, doing activities and basically just being plain fucked. Personally, I go to Dragon Skin to have fun and meet new people (and catch up with all my other many acquaintances). This event, however, is more renowned for the amount of hook-ups, and sex that goes on between those who are desperate enough to have a one night stand in a cold tent. Maybe it's just because Venturers are mostly made up of horny, social rejects, who - when all put in the same location - feel the need to just mess around. And I know I don't have the cleanest record. And yes, I also feel it's a different thing altogether when you are an official couple on this event. But seriously, how much more desperate can you get?!

It was at Dragon Skin when I met this really attractive guy. And I don't mean your average "yeah he was the hottest out of this small group of people" kind of attractive. He was legit. One hundred percent yum. Tall (with the most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen), brown wavy hair, excellent built bod, seventeen (turning eighteen), finished school year twelve, lives on the Northern Beaches. You know, the works. And he went after me. And I was flattered - heck, I pretty much went after him myself. 

But it was after a few hours of nice smalltalk, lame pick-up lines, cute hand holding and subtle touching, when I realised I didn't want this. Nor did I want to become one of those desperate teens who know they can't get it any other way - "so why not with someone who's in the same boat?"

And I realised, that I was still hooked on you, and no way was I going to be making out with this attractive young man, while seeing your face in my mind, feeling your body under my fingertips.

So I turned him down. No joke.

And the funny thing is? I still had a great time on 'Skin; hanging with my women, still acting messed, without the pointless hookups or things that I might have later regretted.

***

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to forget you just yet. But I'm not going to dive at you either. 

Waiting a year may do us both some good - I could become more mature and stop with the tell all blog posts, and you could sort out some priorities that could maybe be shuffled around just a bit. Like living as opposed to constant work. Or at least putting complaining about something you refuse to change to the bottom of your list of things to talk about.

Friends for now, I can probably live with.

"Is there a chance, a fragment of light,
At the end of the tunnel, a reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?"