The Love Triangle: A Recount.

"But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and I let you go,

But you're still the only one that feels like home."

Last night I was at an after party. And things got messy. Not entirely because of the alcoholic content available, but more so because of a few issues that was happening between myself, a friend (who we'll call Miss Maid), and an ex boyfriend (who we'll call Number Three).

You see, Number Three and I, we have a good history. And things had started sparking up between us again. Unfortunately for Miss Maid, feelings had started sparking up for her towards him too, and things had happened at a particular gathering half a week ago that well, to put it bluntly - fucked things up for both her and him.

It's no ones fault really. Just they say not to mix alcohol, and people don't seem to realise that they don't only mean drugs and certain other drinks when they say that. You need to take in situations and circumstance, mental stability and pressure. And too few people acknowledge that.

Now, I remember everything fairly clearly, but there were a few moments that stand out from last night.

There was the bit at the beginning, before I'd even drunk anything, but Miss Maid had already consumed a fair bit. She was upset, and isolated, and I remember opening up to her, admitting that I hadn't been able to trust guys properly ever since my last...obsession (if you will), with "The Gentleman". I hadn't been able to accept them straight up, and was finding it hard to let new ones in. I told her how - with Number Three - I didn't need to let him in or accept him because he was already there, always had been. I already trusted him, and didn't need to scope out whether or not he would just walk out on me when things got slightly complicated.
I also remember promising to her that I would not do anything that night with Number Three.

"I didn't need to let him in or accept him because he was already there, always had been."

Things got a little better after that, and I remember lying in the cul-de-sac, laughing and chatting with a few others, being probably a bit too noisy for 1am. That was one of the only times I saw Miss Maid really happy for the whole night.

Because there were then a couple of times when I was merely talking to Number Three when Miss Maid would walk in, jump to the conclusion that we were sucking face, call me a bitch and storm outside.

Sure I was more than angry that she would jump to that conclusion after I'd promised her otherwise, but how do you express that anger to someone who is now sitting in the wet grass, screaming things about how it's okay, she won't be around tomorrow to care anyway.

Personally, the threat of suicide is thrown around a little too much in my life. And it's becoming harder for me to handle.
After calming her down a bit, she convinced herself that it would be a much better option to kiss the reasonably attractive trumpet player that had been hanging around. I wasn't about to argue.

Another memory, is sitting by the heater, in a state of confusion and light-headed dizziness.

I'd convinced myself it would be a nice idea to lie around the corner of the backyard, on a slab of concrete and stare at the tree-tops. Apparently I was there for longer than I'd thought, but I probably would have frozen if Number Three hadn't come over and draped his jacket over me, hugging me as I shook, complained, and just talked about everything. It was nice, but hazy. And very cold. And very sad.

That's really how I see this whole situation. A hazy state of confusion and mixed feelings, blended in with sad emotions, that had been dug up and re-earthed after being buried a long time ago. 

In all honesty, I don't know what to do. Miss Maid has said she now gives her "permission" to date Number Three again, but I don't know how that's going to fair in light of things.

I don't know what's going to happen at the end of it all, nor what I'm expected to do from this situation.

As a reader, I guess you can just hang in there. Being Dannie, I'll keep you posted on how it all folds out. And I'm all up for advice, but don't expect me to take it.

But to Miss Maid and Number Three - I love you both. And I hope this ends in someway soon, so we can all get back to how things were.

 "I don't know what I've done,
Or if I like what I've begun.
But something told me to run,
And honey you know me it's all or none."