Awkward?

"And there will come a time, you'll see,
With no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, 

But dismiss your fears."

 

So I like this guy right? Blunt way to start, but give me a break.
And no, it's not my ex. Of course I still like my ex in a friend way - but things were too messy there, and I'd needed to move on.

So back to this new guy. I've been interested for a few weeks now, and we're kind of stuck in that awkward stage right now. You know the one - when you like a guy - and they know you like them (even though you haven't said anything except give really obvious hints) - but you still have no idea whatsoever on their stance on things, and they don't show any signs of giving in and telling you to piss off or stick around.

And all this does is make me doubt. And fret. And stress. And worry.

What if he doesn't like me back?

What if I'm really annoying him?

What if I'm too forward?

What if I'm too short?!

What if I'm too different? 

What if I over-analyze things?

What if my excessive blog writing scares him away like it has everyone else?

What if I ask too many questions??

Well it's probably too late for all that. But still - this is what happens when I am left without a hint, or a word of warning, or a subtle wink.

"And all this does is make me doubt. And fret. And stress. And worry."

I'm left to my own devices, and even worse, my own mind.

Not that there's anything particularly wrong with my mind.

I've just found this year, that when I'm stressed about everything and left on my own; the combination of the two lead to me feeling extremely down.

And when I'm left on my own for a really, really long time, I can become depressed. All over again. Although these small bouts of "depression" (if you could even call them that) don't usually last an absurd amount of time compared to some; they're still unwanted, unnecessary, and loathed.

But I've heard that a healthy relationship can actually help you when you're depressed. Having that constant assurance that someone is there for you, can really help. And I've had many people actually tell me that a better love life actually cured their depression - so maybe this isn't so bad to aim for?

And why do I want a relationship anyway - you may ask? Surely that's not the only reason?

I mean, clearly I'm just going to get my heart broken in the inevitable break up, and it's going to be a mass loss of time, and probably money by the end of it all. I'll end up with loads of regrets, and will probably become depressed again at the end of it all (oh, joy).

But what I say to all that? Fuck it.

I want that sudden ecstasy of seeing their name forever popping up on my phone's small screen.

I want to have someone to call when I'm upset, and immediately be able to understand what I mean throughout the sobbing and hiccoughing and muttered gibberish.

I want to have someone to cuddle, and not let go.

I want someone to know to lean on, and someone to lean on me when they need it too.

But clearly - I just want someone.

Being in a relationship at this age is usually like smoking. It feels great while you're doing it, and you soon become addicted to the cigarette - but when you're torn away from it, your mind and body fuck up, and the long term effects like cancer are truly disastrous. But while you're still smoking - who really cares? 

I don't really know why I wrote this blog. I really wrote it with the intentions of saving it to my drafts, so I could read over it in a couple of weeks and think "oh Dannie, you fool" and laugh at myself. 

But I haven't blogged in ages, so I'm actually going to click "post" and watch as this blog fucks everything up.

Because they always do. It's actually really bad for me in that sense.

Yet like that metaphor - I keep smoking it.

"I can't promise you that I won't let you down. 

And I can't promise you that I will be the only one around,

When your hope falls down. 

But we're young, 

Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world.
And love - this city breathes the plague,
Of loving things more than their creators."