Someone Like You.

I had hoped you'd see my face,

And that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too,
Don't forget me I beg,
I remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead."

There are many things I could blame this new stress on.

I could say it's the sudden realisation that I'm finally in year twelve.

I could say it's the sudden realisation that I'm losing my singing voice.

I could say it's the sudden realisation that I don't actually have as much money as I used to.

I could say it's the sudden realisation that my next musical is in less than a month, and I still don't know all my lines.

I could say it's the fact that my job slowly destroys my hands more and more, every time I work.

I could say it's my lack of motivation to do schoolwork.

I could say it's a lot of things.

But we all know it actually comes down to you. Because as much as those things stress me out, you still remain my top priority.

I don't know why, and I don't know how. But you are, and I've come to accept that.

And this stress I have? It doesn't just go away. 

It doesn't matter how many stress-balls I buy, tea I drink, or bubble baths I take - you're still there, forever sitting at the back of my mind. 

And thinking about you hurts. 

And talking about you hurts. 

Heck, talking to you hurts.

When I even do talk to you that is.

And as I sit here with my cracked hands and my unwritten English essay, I'll remember all those times we had. And I won't regret them. Even though they're all I can think about as I go through my days. Even though they cause me such distractions that my grades have dropped. That my mood stays low. 

If you could see me now, would you have stopped this? Would you have changed those things that sent me to the place I'm seemingly stuck in? 

I always find myself listening to the songs that relate to me. The lyrics are what I hold on to. 

"Why do you have so many depressing songs on your ipod?" - people ask me. Though there should be no need to ask.

I'll admit, I've been a bit better lately. But you know that you'd pushed me through hell. You know that I'd survived that first time 'round. I'm resilient. I cope with the cruel things life brings with the hope that something better will come along. Because maybe, just maybe, if I put up with the bad, I'll be granted with something good. 

Like a new job.

Like a smarter self.

Like a stronger voice.

Like a better you. 

Fingers crossed. 

Shattered.

"And I've lost who I am.
And I can't understand,
Why my heart is so broken.
Rejecting your love,
Without love gone wrong.
Lifeless words.
Carry on."

There seems to be this flaw in me, to always get caught in situations that make me that horrible, selfish person that I know can be.
Recently, I seem to be getting all that bottled-up negativity released on me at once - pushing away people that I know mean the world to me.
It's like there's this in-built part of me, that forces me to like the people who are all wrong for me, and deny those who truly care. And I know that that probably won't change. I always like the dickheads. Or the ones that are at first quite lovely, but who turn out to be jerks anyway.

It all started at the beginning of this year, with the Gentleman (and you're thinking: "oh no, not him again").
You see, he and I had decided to be friends again - and stay friends again. And then he goes and spoils that agreed upon notion, by hiding me from his facebook page, which in my world, is one of the most offensive things you can do to me (if you're a friend that is). I call him, but he "can't talk right now". So for a week, I leave it, and then call him again, finally sorting things out with all his bullshit excuses and lies, and discovering that he's gone and deleted my number. "To get some space", he'd told me - yet he'd had hectares of space before he'd shut me out.
So we move on, only to have a snappy fight about a week later, to which he deletes me off facebook completely.
So why do I keep going back you ask? Probably because he's a dickhead. He's the one focal point for all of my stress in the past year. He's that constant that will forever remain this pain in my mind. And not because I still have feelings for him. I just rely on his opinions, and I value his judgements. He takes it all away and dangles it in front of me, like teasing a dog with a piece of food. I just hope he throws it back before the food grows stale, and the dog walks away forever.


Then comes one of my best friends.
I've known him for years - since before high school. But I guess I just took him for granted. He and I drifted apart, and because he doesn't use his phone, we built up this relationship that was purely sustained on msn. Now, many of you would know that I'm not really a talker on msn or facebook chat. I might say a few things, but I get distracted on the computer really easily, so it's not exactly the best place to keep a friendship.
The other day, he made clear many of the faults and stupid, stubborn things I had done to him, which he had just taken at the time at stake of all the years we'd shared.
And now, he won't talk to me. I feel like this blog would be the perfect way to say sorry - yet he doesn't want a show-offy world apology. So I'd sent him one in a message.
I still await the day that he will unblock me on msn, so we can move on to old times, where we'd talk for hours about our passions, our dreams, and our everythings.


The last situation has had probably the most impact on me in one day. I won't go too much into it over this (I know, Dannie's actually showing restraint), but it involves one of my best friends.
Now, this guy...I never thought we'd grow this close. I talk to him about everything, and we hang out a lot. But recently I've just gone behind his back, and betrayed his trust. And in this, I feel like I'm losing not only him, but another guy. Losing two at once, as well as the other two I mentioned above, and you'll understand how right now, I'm feeling lonely, and pretty fucking shitty. 

How could I let this all rise up and happen? Even though all these things may not be consequences of something solely my fault, I know that I have had a fairly reasonable impact on each.  

So to each of you guys - I'm sorry. 
I'm sorry for being a bitch, and over-reacting at all the things you say.
I'm sorry for pushing you away, for taking you for granted, and for never asking you how you were feeling.
I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark, for betraying you, for once leading you on.
I'm sorry I'd trusted you, and had believed that you cared about me, and for thinking we'd actually had something.

I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I've never been really good with apologies. You should all know that. So this? This is my best. And this is my all. And this is for you.
All for you.
Carry on.

Ruby Moon.

"A blind man in a dark room - looking for a black hat which isn't there."

She sleeps. Quiet, silent, restful. Music-box ballerina dancing out her lullaby. A single pirouette, all while she sleeps. All limp and full of dreams. Hopes, ambitions, wanting, needing. Did you know her? Past tense. Where did she go? Past tense.

She's not here now. Shadows leap about you, and you only notice that they make you feel cold. Shudder. Like leaving the back door open. Shudder. Was it open when she disappeared? Past tense. 

Don't trust the wizard. And if he gives me hope? Don't trust the wizard. I wish he were here now. I wish we could wind back all the clocks. I used to wish a lot of things. Past tense.

And none of it matters now. Not that it matters. Not that it ever mattered anyway. But whose decision was that? Who made that call? Who took the shots? Unless it's all your fault? It's all your fault. And doesn't that make you feel tense? Doesn't everything?

And there's another one. Her allure so strong. Her perfume so toxic. And what do you get from her? Nothing but a mouthful of ash and a handful of lies. Nothing but a bookshelf of memoirs. Memories. Lifelines. Cloudy, rushed, spherical and coloured by the binding lights that snatch at you and take you away - leaving me in the dark with all these blackened objects, burnt and crumbling, but then you can't see them anyway. Because they don't exist. Does anything? 

Oh but there she is again. Still asleep. And you don't know what she's dreaming of. Do you understand the nightmares? Did you hear about her horrors? Can you listen to her silent screams that pull and tug and gnash in her mind? Music-box ballerina spinning her last pirouette. 

Bet you'd never noticed that. Past tense.

*inspired by Ruby Moon - an Australian play by Matt Cameron.