Like Promised.

"So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place."

There's this girl I know, who is absolutely amazing.

She's always been there for me too, always giving the right advice or warnings, or just generally brightening my day.

So what annoys me the most, is that when she in turn needs me - I'm so useless.

People who have seen proper questions on my formspring, can see that I'm generally helpful on the whole advice-giving area. But I guess there are some things that can't be solved by just talking.

There are some moments where you just need a good long hug, a good cry on a shoulder, and two good McDonalds burgers to even feel slightly better.

"I can't fix everything, no matter how much I think I can, or how hard I try."

And this feeling of uselessness - I know it's not my fault. I mean, I can't fix everything, no matter how much I think I can, or how hard I try. But it still hurts all the same, to see someone you feel so close to all crumpled by something inevitable that's going on in their life.

This was only a short promised blog.

Pretty much to say I love you, and I'm here for you.

Even if I'm never completely up-to-date with all the details, nor have the best wisdom when it comes to this area.

But when you make half a heart shape with your hand, I'll be here to make the other.

Always.

x

"But the search ends here,
Where the night is totally clear.
And your heart is fierce,
So now you finally know that you control where you go,
You can steer."

Your Eulogy, My Funeral.

Death. Afterlife, annihilation, darkness, decease, demise, departure, destruction, dying, end, ending, eternal rest, expiration, extermination, extinction, fatality, grave, heaven, loss, mortality, obliteration, oblivion, parting, passing, ruin, silence, sleep, termination, end of life.

I have found - especially recently - that the talk and experience of death in my life has become too prominent. And too common. 

I've had friends with severe, self harming depression.
I've had several friends swear to me that they won't be alive by the end of tomorrow.
I've had hardcore lasses promise that they will slit my throat the next time they see me.
I've had pets die, and seen lambs break their necks on my birthday.
I've been to the funerals of deceased relatives and family friends.

I've heard stories about people whose best friends overdosed at the incredibly young age of fifteen.

I've had two friends (that I know of) - both younger than I am - who were actually diagnosed and then prescribed with anti-depressants.
I've had a time in my life when over 30% of my friends had depression.

I have a friend who never listens, who's always upset, and who always throws around dark  statements about how he's going to kill himself.

He "jokes around" about his deadline; how long he has until he goes through with it.

"I've had several friends swear to me that they won't be alive by the end of tomorrow. "

Is this really the kind of world we live in now? Where people are living in the shadows and dreaming about non-existence? Don't get me wrong - I'm not blaming anyone for any situations they're in right now. I've been through depression, and I know it's not pretty.

But why should it be this way?

Wars are still existent. Don't people learn from history?

People suffer from things such as AIDS and starvation in Africa. Yet if we all donated a few dollars a month to these poor beings - these things could be prevented.

Why do some people become cursed with cancer?

Why do innocent people get gunned down in hold ups and robberies?

Why do reports of domestic violence still exist in today's society?

Why do teenagers commit suicide at this age - before their lives have even truly started?

Just why?

All day - every day - I have these questions spinning around and around in my head.

Is that the same for you? When it all becomes too much, and too insanely crowded and cluttered?

When everything is just too stressful, and too crazy, and too painful? 

And there's only one way to fix it. One way to end the pain forever. One way out. Right?

Do you think you'll go to a heaven? A "better place"? Or do you think you'll be stuck here forever, haunting those souls you abandoned? Those poor people, friends and loved ones that you just dropped and left behind. No one thinks about these things.

Because that's the thing, isn't it?

After death, no one cares about you. It's over. They care about the person you were of course. They care about the person they'll never see again. But you? You're nothing now. Nothing except a pile of ash or a corpse rotting in a box. 

And what about the people you forgot about? The living ones. The troopers, the survivors, the ones that soldier on. 

Did you ever think of them?
They're the ones who have to deal with your death.

They're the ones who have to face the world without you.

They're the ones who have to cope.

Think about others for a change. Don't do everything just to please them - still be yourself. But consider them. Every time you think about doing something - consider them. Every time.

Every time.

"But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see,
so we can both be there and we can both share the dark.
And in our honesty, together we will rise out of our nightminds,
and into the light at the end of the fight."

Awkward?

"And there will come a time, you'll see,
With no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, 

But dismiss your fears."

 

So I like this guy right? Blunt way to start, but give me a break.
And no, it's not my ex. Of course I still like my ex in a friend way - but things were too messy there, and I'd needed to move on.

So back to this new guy. I've been interested for a few weeks now, and we're kind of stuck in that awkward stage right now. You know the one - when you like a guy - and they know you like them (even though you haven't said anything except give really obvious hints) - but you still have no idea whatsoever on their stance on things, and they don't show any signs of giving in and telling you to piss off or stick around.

And all this does is make me doubt. And fret. And stress. And worry.

What if he doesn't like me back?

What if I'm really annoying him?

What if I'm too forward?

What if I'm too short?!

What if I'm too different? 

What if I over-analyze things?

What if my excessive blog writing scares him away like it has everyone else?

What if I ask too many questions??

Well it's probably too late for all that. But still - this is what happens when I am left without a hint, or a word of warning, or a subtle wink.

"And all this does is make me doubt. And fret. And stress. And worry."

I'm left to my own devices, and even worse, my own mind.

Not that there's anything particularly wrong with my mind.

I've just found this year, that when I'm stressed about everything and left on my own; the combination of the two lead to me feeling extremely down.

And when I'm left on my own for a really, really long time, I can become depressed. All over again. Although these small bouts of "depression" (if you could even call them that) don't usually last an absurd amount of time compared to some; they're still unwanted, unnecessary, and loathed.

But I've heard that a healthy relationship can actually help you when you're depressed. Having that constant assurance that someone is there for you, can really help. And I've had many people actually tell me that a better love life actually cured their depression - so maybe this isn't so bad to aim for?

And why do I want a relationship anyway - you may ask? Surely that's not the only reason?

I mean, clearly I'm just going to get my heart broken in the inevitable break up, and it's going to be a mass loss of time, and probably money by the end of it all. I'll end up with loads of regrets, and will probably become depressed again at the end of it all (oh, joy).

But what I say to all that? Fuck it.

I want that sudden ecstasy of seeing their name forever popping up on my phone's small screen.

I want to have someone to call when I'm upset, and immediately be able to understand what I mean throughout the sobbing and hiccoughing and muttered gibberish.

I want to have someone to cuddle, and not let go.

I want someone to know to lean on, and someone to lean on me when they need it too.

But clearly - I just want someone.

Being in a relationship at this age is usually like smoking. It feels great while you're doing it, and you soon become addicted to the cigarette - but when you're torn away from it, your mind and body fuck up, and the long term effects like cancer are truly disastrous. But while you're still smoking - who really cares? 

I don't really know why I wrote this blog. I really wrote it with the intentions of saving it to my drafts, so I could read over it in a couple of weeks and think "oh Dannie, you fool" and laugh at myself. 

But I haven't blogged in ages, so I'm actually going to click "post" and watch as this blog fucks everything up.

Because they always do. It's actually really bad for me in that sense.

Yet like that metaphor - I keep smoking it.

"I can't promise you that I won't let you down. 

And I can't promise you that I will be the only one around,

When your hope falls down. 

But we're young, 

Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world.
And love - this city breathes the plague,
Of loving things more than their creators."