The Swordfish.

All the good ones are either taken or gay. That's the saying right? Any guy who is worth dating already has a girlfriend or likes the opposite gender to what you are.
Well that's been true on some occasions. But for me, I find that nearly every guy I seem to crush on always turns out to be a total player. Or a "Swordfish" as Tara calls it. Someone who is just looking for a one night stand or a fun hook up. No commitments. No strings attached.
And the thing is - I constantly continue to fall for them. And they always end up walking all over me and leaving me broken and empty. So why do I let them get to me? And why do I keep chasing after them? That's always been a mystery. I guess it's just "my type". Like if a very attractive, reasonably nice guy came up to me and asked me out I'd probably turn him down with an excuse such as "Sorry, I only go for complete douche bags."
But then I think the reason I keep going after them is because I like the thrill of the chase. Or the race in some cases. But the thing about races is that in the end you are either a winner, a loser, or you're that one who was so close to the end but then crashed into the tyre stacks and died.

So what's been going on in the world of Dannie? How's that repetitive day in day out cycle we like to call life?
Well my dear readers, life has been mellow for the past few weeks, with some awesome highs and no lows - more flat lines.
At the moment my world has consisted of drama drama drama. Mostly in the literal sense - with rehearsals for both Gang Show and the Drama Festival reaching stress level. Know your lines; speak clearly; face the front; don't fidget; be the character; use actions; project; diction; diction; DICTION! The words just spin in constant spirals in my brain thanks to the many screams from the prod team and my drama teacher from day one. But maybe I'm lucky I'm not Smallwood - who is still being yelled at and let me tell you - it's not exactly helpful hints ("Smallwood I'm going to KILL you!!"). And I must mention that I am at least a little disappointed that the supposed stage kiss I was going to get turned out to be a "leap into his arms" - which I find annoying since I happen to be quite weight self conscious.

"Sorry, I only go for complete douche bags."

Then of course there was our road trip to Albury to see their  Gang Show. It was good to hang out with WOO Crew + Sarah for a weekend and I suppose I had fun but those seven hour car trips were soooo long...but at least we were invited to their afters. Without that invite I might never have met the lovely Mr Spinelli :P

And now my birthday's coming up. Nearly a month away and it's party year - yet the grog is for "18+ only" says mother dearest. But that's alright - as long as I get a theme I'll be happy. Yet Tubsy is making that hard because we're sharing the party and she wants a cop out theme like "a splash of pink and purple" whereas I had my heart set on "stereotypical high school cliques". I think we have now settled on "Good vs Evil" but that will probably change within the next week. If you have any awesome all out themes then do let me know!

I am also excited about work expierience in August. I'm going to Tucky's mum's vet for the first week, and then Taronga Zoo the next week working in the reptiles section. I'm just happy I get to work with the turtles :)

Ahh well now I'm just rambling. So I should probably sign out before I embarrass myself more than I do when an incredibly-hot-player-guy walks past Boost Juice.

Ta Ta For Now.
xx Dannie

Shit Cake.

Black. Not so much the colour, but what you see when you close your eyes. But then you stare closely through the darkness, and you can see the little colours and speckles that dance around. It's as if these little lights are just waiting for you to reach out. To catch one in your hand so that it can explode and make everything bright again. That's all I can think of when people are asking me how my life is at the moment.

Why so glum you ask? To that, I have no answer. The best way of explaining it, is of course through one of my many analogies. "It's like I'm a poor kid. And for dessert I only have this chocolate cake. Then one day, I am given a really expensive cake. Cake that is soft and rich with icing and freddo heads throughout it. And as soon as I've had a fair share of this new dessert, it's suddenly taken away, so that your stuck with the old cake; the one that seemed perfectly fine before, but you now see how crumby and dry it was."
For those of you who totally don't get it: the cake is my life, and I had an awesome moment in it, but then that high was over and I'm back to normal again.

I know. I shouldn't live by this cake analogy forever. Why live in the past wanting what I used to have? But I can't help it. And I hate the state that I'm in. Where nothing seems all that funny and I can't even offer a smile to my best friend - trying to cheer me up in all my lessons.

Today in health we learnt about stress; how too much of it can lead to depression. That's probably it you know. Stress. Stressing about school, expectations, pressure, friends, family, relationships (why does everyone need to be paired up?), money, work, the future, life.

"Why live in the past wanting what I used to have?"

So I dunno. Maybe lay off for a bit? And when I say nothing's wrong, I mean it. There really is nothing wrong. I'm not in great physical pain, my family isn't falling apart, I probably have it better than many of my friends. Maybe I just like to complain. I don't even know why I'm posting this blog. Is it because I'm bored? In a writing mood? Do I need to get everything out of my head and see it written on screen? Or is it a just plea for help I don't want but probably need? I can't tell you the answer. Because I seriously have no idea what's going on.

So don't come up to me and go "are you okay?" Because the chances are I've already been asked that question eight times that day, and have said the same answer each time. Then you will of course say "come on, something's up." And I will look at you, and say the same thing I had just told you. Because even though I just want to curl up and cry, I won't. It's not normal to be human. In this day and age, it's unacceptable to express your emotions. You just have to pull on a mask and face the day with a brave face and perhaps a smile. Even though sometimes it's too much to even muster up the courage.

Whoa is me.

A Feeling Of Sentimentality.

When someone you love dies, it feels like the world is crashing down.
 

Nothing someone says to you can cheer you up; and everything people do brings you down.
 

You realise that there's nothing you can do to bring that person back, and you find yourself snapping at people who tell you that "they understand how you feel" when in reality, no one does but yourself.
 

For ages you go through the seven stages of grief: shock; denial; bargaining; guilt; anger; depression; then finally, acceptance and hope.

"No matter how much you want the world to stop, it keeps turning."

A few people go to therapy. A few dedicate the next couple of months to that person, from visiting the grave weekly to making collages full of that dead friend's face - to remember the good times - you'll tell yourself. But the real reason is so that you can't stand the thought of forgetting how that person used to look.

The remaining people just trudge on through life, knowing that that space inside them will be empty forever, but eventually put to the side.

Then comes the sad truth that we all eventually realise. No matter how much you want the world to stop, it keeps turning. There's still letters in the mail; a pet that needs to be fed; a dishwasher that still doesn't work; homework that needs to be completed. It's just the sad sad truth when you feel like your life is like an island in an ocean of diarrhea.