Open Curtain.

You're sitting side-stage, listening to the overture. 

With your make-up done, and your costume and microphone on, there is nothing you can do except think.

Everyone can see how nervous you are due to your pale face, but only you can feel the accelerated heart-rate throughout your body and that familiar twitch in your right index finger.

The other principle roles come over every now and then, giving you a sympathetic look for your stress and a "break-a-leg" hug for good luck, but no one offers any words of confidence as the mics are on, and the theatre is packed.

Why is it, when all this is happening, do you only think of the negatives? The "what-ifs"?
What if I forget my lines?

What if I crack on that high note?

What if my costume fails on stage?

What if everything goes horribly wrong?

And sure, sometimes you tell yourself something positive, like "You'll be fine Dannie. Nothing will go wrong."
But who really believes that when it comes from themselves?

"A sympathetic look for your stress and a 'break-a-leg' hug for good luck."

When the curtain opens on opening night, no one knows what to expect. Sure you've rehearsed four months for this moment, but when it comes down to crunch time, you suddenly realise you never really properly looked at that one bitchy line. Or you never learnt that one step of movement that had always kept you eight counts behind everyone else.

These simple worries lead you to that massive break down, and remind you off all the work you put in for these few performances. All that time and effort that will have been used up in the space of one short week. 

Was it all worth it? The only way to know for sure, is after you've finished the end line on that four minute solo. There is sweat pouring down your face, stage lights blinding your vision, and the uncomfortable feel of the carpet-like costume scratching against your skin. But none of this matters when you hear that audience's applause, and that smile creeps onto your face, and your thinking "that was fun, let's do it again."

Butterflies.

"If you should return to me,

We truly were meant to be.

So spread your wings and fly,

Butterfly."

How do you know you like someone?

No, really - serious question.

Because sometimes, it's really hard to tell. Like, it could be just a passing crush, where you just love being with that person, but you may not like them in that way? You know? And you trick yourself into thinking you do, and then when crunch time comes - you realise it was all a self-made scam.

"When their smile gives you butterflies?"

Lately that's been happening to me heaps. It's not because I'm "desperate" or anything. I just have a lot of really lovely boys in my life. Many whom I've thought I liked for days, or even weeks at a time. And then either something clicks and I'm like "hang on Dannie, you don't really like this person that way" or it becomes crunch time, and I decide at the last minute that it's not what I want - and then I just look like a rejecting bitch. Again.

So I want to know, how do you really know if you like someone in that way?

Do you like someone when your heart beats faster around them? 

When you're constantly seeking their approval? 

When they're the first person you're looking for in a room full of people? 

When their smile gives you butterflies? 

When you find yourself always on their facebook page: checking to see if there are any new girls on the scene?

All these things are what I usually judge with. How I used to figure out if I liked a guy.

But they don't always work. And I need to find out a foolproof method, before I hurt someone again. Before I hurt myself again.

"You're the only one I'm dreaming of,

You see I can be myself now finally.

In fact there's nothing I can't be,
I want the world to see you'll be with me."

No Happy Ending.

"I hope you're happy,
Now that you're choosing this.
I hope it brings you bliss.
I really hope you get it,
And you don't live to regret it."

Well blogging got me into this mess so I guess I'll use it to get out of it. Or at least tidy things up a bit.
Congratulations. This will my fourth blog in your honour. And I'm about to make it your last.
To me, all those now seem like a waste of precious blog space. How tacky.
Because what have they achieved? Nothing. The only reason I wrote these stupid things was because I knew it was the only way I could get you to listen to me. The only way I knew you would take in something I wrote. The only way you could possibly know how I was feeling, without hearing it from someone else, because that’s how it always seems to be.

"We all know you love the attention."

I wonder if you think I’m upset right now? Well I’m angry that’s for sure. A little pinged off that it went for this long.
But I’m not sad – if that’s what you’re thinking. Sure I guess I’m a little disappointed. But I won’t be sad for a while.

I really love how you treat me. Am I just someone you can string along your whole life? I am sick of feeling like I am just there for when you’re bored, or have nothing better to do.
Like that time we went for drinks. That you organised. And then, suddenly, you’re just like “Well, I’ve given you my allocated hour. Goodbye.”
Seriously. It was as if I had begged for you to be there. Like you had much better places you’d rather be. Like I was just some time filler. But I guess that's all I am really.

And also that recent "conversation" of ours. Where you said; "but, that affection is gone danni."
What are you? A robot? That's the most blunt thing I've ever heard. And next time you talk to me, spell my name right. There is an 'e' on the end. It was spelt on my msn name - right above where you were typing. Asshole.

I am so sick of you treating me like shit all the time.
You bring me down. You make me seem like things are always my fault. And I know they aren’t. Not this time. Everything you say you are only thinking about yourself. You think you’ve worded things nicely, but it just makes you seem even more of a dick. Dick. Funny how that one word has been used so regularly to describe you, even if I'd thought you had grown out of that character. I guess I was wrong.

And I’m sorry I’m publicising this. But we all know you love the attention.
It’s in your blood, after all.

You want to make things better? You should probably just leave me alone for a few days.
You want to know how I'm feeling? Then you have this very blog.
You want me not to publicize these kinda things? Then stay out of my life. You do the very same by posting everyone's business in your own forms of writing. You've always been the hypocrite in this situation.

"This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending."