The Way It Goes.

I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best.

 Now I wait, as this blog ruins everything, as always.

This blog is for you, and only you.

In fact, a lot of the things I do are just for you.

Sometimes you notice, sometimes you don't. 
And that's the beauty of it.

Life with you in it, is a gamble. Occasionally you win, and occasionally you lose. For a while I was having a winning streak, feeling like the luckiest person in the world. Then - like any problem gambler - I started to lose. Well, not lose just yet. But flat-line. It makes me question, and wonder, and over-analyse as I tend to.

Do you even like me still?

Are you interested at all?

I know I'm not ready to move on so quickly. But have you?

So many things remind me of you. So I already know it's going to be too hard to just forget.

I want to skip backwards a few weeks. To the fun nights we spent, where everything was perfect and crazy at the same time.

Do you miss it? Do you even miss me? Or am I alone here, with no one but this figment of my imagination - your own ghost - beside me in my mind?

You know, I've experienced that feeling a lot recently. Loneliness. It's like the pain where you can't breathe but you can't die. A clenching in my chest that only rids itself when you're around. 

I'm so sick of feeling this way, and I can feel the old stress levels rising again, tearing at my limits; my breaking points; my boundaries - those walls I'd built so carefully, so securely.

"Loneliness. It's like the pain where you can't breathe but you can't die."

You said to me you wouldn't be able to handle it. But you don't think I don't have the same problems? Where sometimes you just actually do want to be on your own? Where you don't want to see anyone, lock yourself in your room, and listen to the depressing songs that make your top ten playlist?

I'm more alike you than you think. Though you probably already know.

It's not every day you find someone who doesn't mind sharing the same unique burger you like.

It's not every day you find someone who is as obsessed with your favourite TV show as you are.

It's not every day you find someone who likes the same music, the same smells, the same video games, the same movie genres as you.

It's not every day you find someone who has the same beliefs, and the same preferences.

It's not every day you find someone who likes you for who you are, not who you could be. Who likes your geeky glasses and habits and humour and sayings. Who likes calling you cute, and watching how you react under my fingertips. 

I like it how I don't feel the need to dress up when you're around. I like it how I feel most comfortable under your eyes. I like it how I can be myself, because the lame things I love - you do too.

I don't think I'm ready to let go of all that.  

I need to know if you're in or not. Or I at least need to know how you still feel. And not to be influenced by the people around you who think they know best.

Make up your own mind, and I'll be here when you're ready.

Like I always have been. Like I always will be.

The Harry Potter [Tik Tok] Parody.

What you are about to see, are lyrics re-written by myself, set to the overplayed song Tik Tok (by Ke$ha). 

This is my beautiful Harry Potter version, and when you compare these lyrics to the Tik Tok ones already on YouTube, you will know that I am incredibly amazing. I am yet to film an awesome film clip for this as I am insanely busy (as always) - so until then, these lyrics shall do. 

Try singing them to the rhythm. I'm excited.

VERSE 1:
[HARRY:]
Wake up in the morning lying next to Ginny
Grab my glasses and my wand
I’m off to Hogsmeade City
Before I leave, feed Buckbeak with some ferrets and crap.
‘Cus I guess I’m all he has without Sirus Black.

VERSE 2:
[HARRY:]
So now I’m writing with all my quills quills
My broomstick’s got the thrills thrills
Dementors give me chills chills
(Doo Doo Doo)

[RON:]
But the Patronus works we agree
Learnt it in Dumbledore’s Army
I wanna have sex with Hermione…

CHORUS: (repeat)
[HARRY:]
I'm the one
The chosen one
Yeah I talk to snakes for fun

[HERMIONE:]
Stick to
What you're taught
Before you go chasing Voldemort

[RON:]
He’s the one
The chosen one
If you’re his friend you’ll be outshone
Like

[ALL:]
In-cen-di-o!
In-cen-di-o!

VERSE 3:
[DRACO:]
Ain’t got a care in the world
Because I’m pure of blood
And yes I may be mean and nasty
But I’m a super stud

And now the death eaters line on up
‘Cus they hear we got Scabbers
But we kick ‘em out the door
Unless they support Voldy’s powers

VERSE 4:
[HERMIONE:]
I’m talking ‘bout
Everybody messing with time, time
Dementors control the crime, crime,
Let’s fight for another rhyme, rhyme
(Doo Doo Doo)

[GINNY:]
Yeah-eh until the horcruxes die out, out
Or the ministry shuts down, down
Ministry shuts down, down
Ministry shuts dow…

CHORUS: (repeat)
[HARRY:]
I'm the one
The chosen one
Yeah I talk to snakes for fun

[HERMIONE:]
Stick to
What you're taught
Before you go chasing Voldemort

[RON:]
He’s the one
The chosen one
If you’re his friend you’ll be outshone
Like

[ALL:]
In-cen-di-o!
In-cen-di-o!

VERSE 5:
[RON:]
In Gryffindor,
You’ll ask for more,
I want to score,
With Hermioneee

[CHO CHANG:]
You make me soar
If you’re hardcore
If you’re hardcore
Just like Diggory **{pronounced Diggrryyyy}

[RON:]
In Gryffindor,
You’ll ask for more,
I want to score,
With Hermioneee

[CHO CHANG:]
You make me soar
If you’re hardcore
If you’re hardcore---

[LAVENDAR BROWN:]
Now my Ronny I heart from the very begin…

CHORUS: (repeat)
[HARRY:]
I'm the one
The chosen one
Yeah I talk to snakes for fun

[HERMIONE:]
Stick to
What you're taught
Before you go chasing Voldemort

[RON:]
He’s the one
The chosen one
If you’re his friend you’ll be outshone
Like

[ALL:]
In-cen-di-o!
In-cen-di-o!

The Monster.

We stopped looking for monsters under our bed when we realised they were inside us.

It's been a while - I've realised - since I have written a proper venting blog. One with raw emotion and unedited thoughts, blurring my computer screen and snatching my heart. And the reason? The reason is: I've had nothing to vent about. For the past few weeks I have been so unbelievably happy, gushing to friends non-stop and having the time of my life, that I'd had nothing to rant, rage or cry about.

But now I feel all crushed and worn. Something has changed in my mind, and I can feel it coming back. The unhappiness. The darkness. The monster that lives inside, waiting to break through and destroy all the walls that had taken so long to rebuild. That clouded mind. That distance. That loneliness.

Just when you feel everything is going right, something needs to happen to slow it all back down again. No one is allowed to forever be happy. No one is allowed to be perfect.

I find that I am tired all the time, and seemingly nocturnal at night. I've been here before, and I knew I'd come back. Though I don't know if I am there yet. I feel like I've been on a really long train ride, and it happened to break down a few stations too early. 

Will I ever reach that destination? The one I long for, where my hopes and dreams actually come true? The one where all of my plans work out the way I wanted? Where people are caring, and as amazing as they should be? There are no lies there. No fucking around or cruelty. 

If only there were such a place.

It is true that I am not back in the dark just yet. Though I can see it; feel it approaching; rushing at me; ready to tangle me in its mix of webs and spiders. 

I just hope that someone sticks out their hand to come and rescue me before then.

I'm sick of doing this alone.