And That's The Truth.

"There’s weight on your mind.
I wanna know,
The truth, 

If this is how you feel.
Say it to me,
If this was ever real."

If there's one thing I hate more than bad grammar, it's dishonesty.

When people lie - straight to your face - not only do you feel like a complete fool for believing them, you feel betrayed. 

Also - just like how I state in nearly every blog - I know that I'm a hypocrite, because I do it too. But we still shouldn't confuse lying with exaggeration. Just because I overreact, doesn't mean I'm constantly lying. It just makes me one hell of a drama queen.

Lying is often borderline on most people's perceptions of right and wrong. But the tough thing is - it's always wrong. Even though it may not be what the person wants to hear, it still doesn't mean it's the right thing to keep it from them. They have the privilege to know, and to understand exactly what's going on. Even if it's "better" for them not to know in the long run. Even if it'll get you in trouble. People might even just appreciate your honesty anyway - and the truth always comes out eventually.

"Lying is often borderline on most people's perceptions of right and wrong."

Recently, I came clean with a good friend of mine. Now - I hadn't technically lied to said friend about the situation - I just hadn't really told the entire truth either. And that wasn't fair. And in no way am I proud of what I'd kept from him - but telling the truth? Well, it actually felt surprisingly good. Like some really heavy weight had been lifted, and I didn't feel so tied back anymore. And I know it hadn't been what either of us had wanted to hear, but we had both agreed that it was nice to know that that was all over and done with.

The worst thing though - about lying - is when you find out you've been lied to after like, three months. By someone you cared about. And sure - I may not have wanted to hear it in the first place, but I still would have liked to know. I mean, we don't always get what we want - and it would have saved me a whole load of effort.

Like when someone tells you that they don't want to go out with you because you're "too young" for them, but then later, you find out that they had never actually liked you in that way in the first place, and had felt they'd needed just some "excuse" to tell you.

Does it make you feel better - giving an excuse like that - making you seem like it was things out of your control that had spun out your decision? Seriously, it would have saved us all so much hassle if you had just told the truth from the beginning.

But you should be proud.

I mean -

You had me fooled.

"You found a million ways to let me down,
So I'm not hurt when you're not around.
I was blind, but now I see.
This is how you feel,
Just say it to me,
If this was ever real."

When God Closes A Door...

"On the floating, shapeless oceans,
I did all my best to smile.
'Til your singing eyes and fingers,
Drew me loving into your eyes."

Why is it, that whenever I finally get past some bad moment in my life, another one reoccurs in full form and glory? It's like I can never just have one moment of peace, or one moment to just relax, and enjoy life.

Don't get me wrong - life is better now. I'm not always upset, nor do I ever feel a "longing" (if you will), for you. It's more like a quiet sigh after a long day. Or the way one should feel after a friendly hook-up.

And I'm pretty sure the thing that had made me so obsessed, was the thought of the chase.

Like I was saying to a friend of mine the other day, the lusting part is the part that's actually the most fun. And I know that isn't 100% accurate - because relationships can be fun too. But they're also a lot of work, and if you're someone who likes change or suspense, they're probably not for you.

But sometimes, when you finally get your prize - the thing you'd been fighting for for so long - you just don't know what to do with it.

You just spent so long trying to get hold of it, you never knew what you would do if you finally caught it. When you finally caught it.

"Somewhere in the middle of the bloodshed, gunpowder, and letters to home."

It's just like those men who would go off and fight a war for four years. When they finally come home - after the war is won - what are they supposed to do? Things are different - are they just expected to go back to their "normal" lives? Pretend nothing ever happened and slot back into their - now filled - past jobs?

Same thing goes for long term prisoners in jail. They spent such a vast majority of their lives behind bars, that a high percentage who get out, often find a way to purposely get back in again, because that is where they feel most comfortable, and that is the world that they know to be "normal".

Sometimes the fight is all we have. And resorting back to our past lives afterwards is just not an option. Things need to change, and a new self is often discovered somewhere in the middle of the bloodshed, gunpowder, and letters to home that had rearranged everything to begin with.

I just find it annoying how when I finally get over a guy, I suddenly find myself in the fight for someone else - which will probably involve a lot more injured soldiers than the last one did.

"I'm looking down every alley, 

I'm making those desperate calls,
I'm staying up all night hoping, 

Hitting my head against the wall."

The Dreamtime.

"This pathetic excuse for a town,

That holds all your memories,
A lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams.
To be anywhere but here,
But baby anywhere is away from me."

Dreams. Sometimes they can be so simple or so strange - it's hard to know their purpose.

The dictionary defines dreams as:
"A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep."
And that's the thing. They're involuntary. We don't choose them, they just come to us; forever transforming and morphing into the things we want; the things we need; the things we're fighting for; the things we're afraid of. Even the things we can't have. 

So the definition of a dream - to me - is more like torture.

Even if the dream is a "good" one, and you wake up refreshed and longing for it - it still is just a tease. 

My dreams mess with my heart, and mess with my mind.

Like most people's dreams, mine incorporate things that have happened that day, things I have worried about, and things that just don't even make sense.

That's why they always seem to have you in it. Whether you appear for about two seconds, or are the feature of the "storyline" - you are there. If my subconscious is acknowledging that I can't have you, or if it is still longing for you, depends on whether I have spoken to you that day, or my emotional state at the time of sleep.

"My dreams mess with my heart, and mess with my mind."

Most of my dreams have revolved around not having you. About you being viewed as the villain in each dream, and me having some other love interest - someone who's face is always unfamiliar to me - but is slowly beginning to form into someone I know. But the last time that happened, my "boyfriend" had eaten me because he was a zombie, and my dad was the only person who hadn't been zombified because (as he put it) he was "good at heart, and can't be transformed." So perhaps that dream didn't mean much in that area.

But now I'm worried.

Because my mind - is telling me I still love you. I mean, I still obsess over you, and think about you a lot.

But my heart is telling me otherwise. Like when I see a certain someone else's name come up on screen - I skip a few beats, and need a quick recover of mental reassurance that I'm not supposed to like them. That I don't like them. That I can't like them.

And that - is always the first sign of me liking someone.

And that sucks.

I fear it's going to spur on a lot more sleepless nights.

And smashed hearts. 

"Nevermind what people say,
Hold your head high and turn away.
With all our hopes and dreams,
I will believe, even though it seems it's not for me."