Nothing's Wrong.

"Blame a change of mind,
A seismic shift in times.
They told us not to fight,
But we'll fight it till we die."

One of my biggest pet peeves, is when you act like nothing's wrong.

Naturally, being the little hypocrite I've always been, I do it too.

But it still seriously annoys me.

It's like when you're talking to someone you used to be best friends with but have both now drifted apart. You still talk as if nothing's wrong. As if nothing's changed. You speak to eachother like it was only yesterday when you were drawing those messed up cartoons in class, or speaking about the cute boy from the station.
You talk, and you try to piece together the things that have happened since you used to be good friends. "So what's been happening?" - you might ask. This could be something you ask after a day or two, but you both know you really just want to find out everything. Everything you've missed out on because of your lack of effort in keeping together a friendship that used to be so treasured, but is now kept together by threads and stiches.

"But - as if by some intangible, unwritten law - neither of you speak of them."

The same thing goes for lovers. You move on, but still want to be friends. So naturally, you keep talking, keep seeing eachother at the occasional group outing. But the whole time you're looking at them, you are thinking about the past. The sweet and sugar-coated memories that fill up your mind, bleaching out the bad ones that had caused the original relationship to end.
And they're probably thinking about them too. But - as if by some intangible, unwritten law - neither of you speak of them. You pretend they're not there, yet it's on both of your minds.

I just don't get it. 

People always pretend that there's nothing wrong, but clearly, there is. Why not come out and say it? Why do humans build some kind of invisible wall around every past experience, and just pretend that everything's the same? That it's always been this way?

That nothing's changed.

"We can work this out,
I believe, although it seems impossible now.
Oh without a doubt,
We'll work this out."

100 Repetitions of This Year.

I recently read a blog where my friend wrote everything that’s happened from the start of this year in a list. I really enjoyed it, and thought – maybe I should be a snobby copycat and steal her idea. Then I thought, no, that’s mean.
Yet here I am, and here you are, but please, before you read my list, read hers: Little Darling.

1.      Saw fireworks in the city – surrounded by my three favourite boys.

2.      “Watched” Sherlock Holmes with an ex.

3.      Went on a plane for the second time in my life.

4.      Spent a weekend with identical twins.

5.      Met a paedophile named Liam.

6.      Learnt that a paedophile named Liam liked Twilight. A lot.

7.      Used hand sanitizer after running away from a paedophile named Liam.

8.      Found an amazing shop called Retro Star.

9.      Spent two hours in PhotoPlus.

10.    Went on a plane for the third time in my life.

11.    Watched Donnie Darko.

12.    Had nightmares about the rabbit from Donnie Darko.

13.    Made Hike of the Dead - a zombie movie starring real lizards.

14.    Met up with Mary and got scared by creepy Red Cross volunteers.

15.    Met up with the Lane Cove boys and Mary and went to Balmoral.

16.    Probably caught many “transmittable diseases” from Balmoral Beach’s sand.

17.    Watched a zombie movie while being interrupted by Chelsea; the soft vibrating cat.

18.    Slept in an ex’s bed with Mary.

19.    Became obsessed with an ex.

20.    Got a fringe.

21.    Wrote an abusive blog about ex.

22.    Got over ex (again).

23.    Caught my first bus into Mt Colah.

24.    Filmed inappropriate things at musical rehearsal.

25.    Became a Sexy French Maid Bunny for a night at an ill-themed 16th.

26.    Met some lovely Barker Boys.

27.    Loved year eleven.

28.    Did 101 school assignments.

29.    Hated year eleven.

30.    Became good friends with a Tinman.

31.    Performed in the Wizard of Oz as a very cowardly, gender-confused Lion.

32.    Met an old acquaintance.

33.    Became close with the old acquaintance.

34.    Had the musical after party.

35.    Spent the night with a “gentleman”.

36.    Worked for the first time in two months.

37.    Fought for a subject change from biology.

38.    And fought.

39.    And fought.

40.    Became Miss Cecily Cardew for the day.

41.    Became obsessed with the Importance of Being Earnest.

42.    Changed from biology to music!

43.    Loved year eleven (again).

44.    Became obsessed with the gentleman.

45.    Was politely knocked back by the gentleman.

46.    Did first music assessment. Felt embarrassed and humiliated.

47.    Went to the doctors.

48.    Was told by the doctor that I’m too stressed.

49.    Got a blood test.

50.    Still obsessed over the gentleman.

51.    Went on Dragon Skin.

52.    Caught up with the lovely Mr Spinelli.

53.    Caught up with the lovely Mr Manurehead.

54.    Met a boy with gorgeous blue eyes.

55.    Rejected boy with gorgeous blue eyes.

56.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

57.    Regretted rejecting boy with gorgeous blue eyes.

58.    Came home from Dragon Skin.

59.    Finished writing a Tik Tok parody to Harry Potter lyrics.

60.    Went on a scavenger hunt in the city with my drama besties.

61.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

62.    Too much.

63.    Was completely fucked for the entire scavenger hunt.

64.    Was hysterical for the entire scavenger hunt.

65.    Calmed down after getting a decor manicure on one nail.

66.    Reminisced about past outings with the A-Team.

67.    Saw Wicked. Thought it was pretty awesome.

68.    Rocked up to Smally’s house three hours early.

69.    Tasted Mi Goreng for the first time.

70.    "Buggered off" with Smally and Cam.

71.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

72.    Met Lottie for the second time.

73.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

74.    Watched 26 hours worth of Avatar: The Last Airbender episodes.

75.    Didn’t sleep for 32 hours.

76.    Slept.

77.    Obsessed over the gentleman.

78.    Got a fringe (again).

79.    Had a dentist appointment.

80.    Was told by the dentist that I stress too much.

81.    Stopped obsessing over the gentleman (finally).

82.    Had a lunch with the Ward Family. My cousins make me laugh.

83.    Watched Cabaret for the first time.

84.    Appreciated Liza Minnelli.

85.    Hated year eleven (again).

86.    Went to the doctors (again).

87.    Was told by the doctor that my blood says I am perfectly normal.

88.    Went to a Queen Scout Presentation.

89.    Met the gentleman’s best friends. Thought they were more gentlemanly than the gentleman.

90.    Went to the Hornsby Anzac Day Dawn Service.

91.    Regretted the all nighter.

92.    Received a beautiful surprise from her best friend involving coffee beans and turtles.

93.    Didn’t study at all for exams.

94.    Did the Advanced English exam.

95.    Regretted not studying at all for exams.

96.    Got “anti-stress” drops from Hayley.

97.    Stopped stressing over not studying at all for exams.

98.    Did Food Tech exam.

99.    Got divorced by Gaybi.

100.  Wrote this blog.

How Unexpected.

"There might have been a time,
When I would let you slip away.
I wouldn't even try,
But I think you could save my life."
  
The weirdest thing about this world, is that things aren't always what they seem. And I really hate that. It means you can't rely on instincts, or appearance - because things never cease to jump forward and slam your original opinions back into your face.

The quiet, Christian boy is actually going through the same things you are - even though his feelings are hidden from the world.
The school bully is actually the most insecure person you know, even though he rags on the insecurities of others.
The queen bee is having issues at home, even though she still acts like she's on top of the world.
The entire family that is obnoxious are still throwing money away like they own the place, even though they are in major debt.
The outgoing, crazy girl is actually heartbroken, and constantly jealous of her sister, even though she's got five times the personality, looks and soul of that "Skinny Blonde Bitch".
The class slut is actually a very nice person, even though she can seem wild and wanton.
The guy you thought was such a gentleman, is actually a complete jerk, even though he has non-jerk friends.


Things aren't what they seem, because humans have perfected the art of masks. Hiding your emotions from the world is something we've all become quite good at. 
When someone asks if you're okay, and you say you're "just tired", is that ever the real reason?
We all know it isn't, it's just because we don't want to instead say "Oh, no, actually I'm really fucked at the moment, because I just spent the last four weeks obsessing over a boy who doesn't love me, stressing over that rather than my failing subjects, all of which I have exams for in, oh, three days. And, because of the immense state of my emotional mind, my body is actually shutting down, and growing wearier, no matter how much sleep I get. So I actually think - no. I am not okay."

I mean, if we actually said that, what would the inquisitive person have thought? They really wouldn't have known what to say. Unless they want to join the party, and select from one of the many lines I have heard repeatedly. Such as "Boys aren't worth your trouble." OR "Oh my God you're still after him?!" OR "Oh my goodness Dannielle! He isn't even as attractive as anyone you could get!" OR "Why don't you just get over him!?"
Yeah, thanks guys, all those statements and pieces of advice really help. Thank you for telling me them, I am just going to snap my fingers and everything will be behind me! I'm so glad you said that!
They just didn't understand, that all I needed, was time, and a bit of a change in attitude. 

"Hiding your emotions from the world is something we've all become quite good at."

Masks aren't only used in times of emotional distress however.
They are just everyday acting. Of course, people who are better actors than others can pull off masks a lot better, but even those who have no dramatic experience, can hide their feelings well when needed.
Political leaders for example, tell the world everything is going well in their wars and their countries; masking their fears and knowledge that actually, everything is not okay - which is why things such as terrorist attacks and economic breakdowns come as such great surprises to us.
Then there are mothers, as another example, who will advise their children that the there are bad things out there, and that you shouldn't do certain things; masking the fact that something terrible had happened to them when they were young, and they just aren't up to telling you.


Masks can either protect us or harm us, but for whatever reason they're there, they usually have the best intentions for the individual. Even if the individual doesn't agree.

"If I could find a souvenir,
Just to prove the world was here.
And here is a red balloon;
I think of you and let it go. "