How Unexpected.

"There might have been a time,
When I would let you slip away.
I wouldn't even try,
But I think you could save my life."
  
The weirdest thing about this world, is that things aren't always what they seem. And I really hate that. It means you can't rely on instincts, or appearance - because things never cease to jump forward and slam your original opinions back into your face.

The quiet, Christian boy is actually going through the same things you are - even though his feelings are hidden from the world.
The school bully is actually the most insecure person you know, even though he rags on the insecurities of others.
The queen bee is having issues at home, even though she still acts like she's on top of the world.
The entire family that is obnoxious are still throwing money away like they own the place, even though they are in major debt.
The outgoing, crazy girl is actually heartbroken, and constantly jealous of her sister, even though she's got five times the personality, looks and soul of that "Skinny Blonde Bitch".
The class slut is actually a very nice person, even though she can seem wild and wanton.
The guy you thought was such a gentleman, is actually a complete jerk, even though he has non-jerk friends.


Things aren't what they seem, because humans have perfected the art of masks. Hiding your emotions from the world is something we've all become quite good at. 
When someone asks if you're okay, and you say you're "just tired", is that ever the real reason?
We all know it isn't, it's just because we don't want to instead say "Oh, no, actually I'm really fucked at the moment, because I just spent the last four weeks obsessing over a boy who doesn't love me, stressing over that rather than my failing subjects, all of which I have exams for in, oh, three days. And, because of the immense state of my emotional mind, my body is actually shutting down, and growing wearier, no matter how much sleep I get. So I actually think - no. I am not okay."

I mean, if we actually said that, what would the inquisitive person have thought? They really wouldn't have known what to say. Unless they want to join the party, and select from one of the many lines I have heard repeatedly. Such as "Boys aren't worth your trouble." OR "Oh my God you're still after him?!" OR "Oh my goodness Dannielle! He isn't even as attractive as anyone you could get!" OR "Why don't you just get over him!?"
Yeah, thanks guys, all those statements and pieces of advice really help. Thank you for telling me them, I am just going to snap my fingers and everything will be behind me! I'm so glad you said that!
They just didn't understand, that all I needed, was time, and a bit of a change in attitude. 

"Hiding your emotions from the world is something we've all become quite good at."

Masks aren't only used in times of emotional distress however.
They are just everyday acting. Of course, people who are better actors than others can pull off masks a lot better, but even those who have no dramatic experience, can hide their feelings well when needed.
Political leaders for example, tell the world everything is going well in their wars and their countries; masking their fears and knowledge that actually, everything is not okay - which is why things such as terrorist attacks and economic breakdowns come as such great surprises to us.
Then there are mothers, as another example, who will advise their children that the there are bad things out there, and that you shouldn't do certain things; masking the fact that something terrible had happened to them when they were young, and they just aren't up to telling you.


Masks can either protect us or harm us, but for whatever reason they're there, they usually have the best intentions for the individual. Even if the individual doesn't agree.

"If I could find a souvenir,
Just to prove the world was here.
And here is a red balloon;
I think of you and let it go. "

What A Relief.

"What if I wanted to break,
Laugh it all off in your face -
What would you do?"

I saw you today. And you know what? Nothing happened. There were no butterflies, no sudden pounding of my heart. All I felt, was a strong surge of hatred. And yeah, that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

I think this means I'm finally over you. The fact that I no longer have good or even mixed feelings for you must be a step in the right direction. Right?
I'm beginning to feel happy again - I can now go out with friends, laugh and be plain fucked - without thinking of you once. And you know what? It feels amazing!

"Would it have even worked?"

You say you hadn't wanted to feel tied down, but now I realise that it had just been me who was tied down already - with mediocre obsessions and obscure ideas that were just blinding my vision, and blinding my life.
Those fun hook-ups and random boy huntings that I'd used to enjoy had become difficult chores, but hopefully that has all changed. I'm ready to move on.

I think a main contribution to this sudden realisation is from looking at my aims from a different perspective. Because even if I had gotten my wish, and we'd ended up together, would it have even worked? Whatever we had had at the beginning, I think I'd destroyed within the first week or so. I mean, so much has happened, and so much has been discussed since then. It wouldn't have been the same. It just took me a while to understand that.

You say you'd wanted to still be friends, but honey - I don't even know if we're that anymore.

"What if I fell to the floor,
Couldn't take all this anymore -
What would you do?"

Lost in War.

"In this proud land we grew up strong,
We were wanted all along.
I was taught to fight, taught to win.
I never thought I could fail."

To be at war with someone - it's like you're on two different sides of the battlefield.

The fact that the other side just make you so angry; it will help you to never give up the fight.
Every ally of theirs is another enemy of yours. And even if they are the seemingly innocent ones of this war - you're not going to let them win. You're not going to let it end. Not until they understand that you're right, and they're wrong. You're strong and they're weak. You will fight until you get what you want.

You keep at it, keep struggling, and you can see the toll you're taking on them. You can see the damage you've made - and you're proud of it. You can see them starting to weaken, and it sends you on a high that only you, personally, can feel.

And you will never give up - well, so you thought.

Until you look back at your own team of fighters. Your own army. 

You notice that they're growing tired of your countless charades, your repetitive attacks, and your useless tactics. 

They're finally bored of your ongoing rants and your newest schemes. 

"Just give up." They say, a last desperate plea. They can see that however weak the other side is - you're no closer to winning. Because without realising it - you're just as pathetic as they are. 

And with this new mindset - you see everything differently. You notice that it is your own blood  that is spilled across "No Mans Land". It's your own men who have fallen, your own limbs that have been lost. Suddenly, the fact that you're fighting for a lost cause becomes dominant, and faith slips from your hands. The confidence for winning that you possessed before is now gone, and you are left with that sinking feeling of failure.

"Because without realising it - you're just as pathetic as they are."

It's all about the way you view the fight. Winning isn't really about defeating the opposition. It's more about keeping them from defeating you.

And that is something that many people, including myself, are yet to finally understand. 

I am fighting in a war that is not even recognised on the other side of the battlefield. It is not reciprocated in any way. So technically, I'm fighting a war with myself.
And I'm losing.

"No fight left or so it seems.
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted.
I've changed my face, I've changed my name,
But no one wants you when you lose."