It's Complicated.

"Don't dream too far.
Don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't remember that rush of joy.
He could be that boy,
I'm not that girl."

Don't you hate it, when you're half committed to something?

Kind of like when you want to go down a certain career path, and you know you could see yourself truly happy there, but you don't know how to launch yourself into that line of work. You keep only thinking about that one job, even if you get offers from others - which are just as lovely - but you turn them down, because you are blinded by one set course. The same set course that will probably never be achieved because maybe they're not hiring at the time. Or they have set requirements that you just don't possess.

Now for you smart cookies out there, obviously I'm not really talking about jobs.

See, I have been in this "half committed" state twice in my life. Once because we had both made that decision mutually to not go out just yet, but not go out with anyone else either, and the other time is now; because things are just in such a state of heavy confusion, that I can't see myself as still on the market.

Now it seems in my life, that every time I find myself in this situation, someone I had previously liked, gets it in their head that this is the perfect time to let me know their feelings about me. 

This has happened both times.

And now that I think about it, it has happened both times by the same person.

Now for the sakes of this blog (and possibly future blogs), we shall call this guy...Jellyfish.

Gee. Jellyfish really has good timing doesn't he?

Now, it's not that I wouldn't really love a relationship with said fish.

Is it even possible to like two guys at once - even if not equally?

Like, I feel as though the feelings I have for Mr Half Committed are a tad stronger. But is it disgustingly rude and mean to say "well...nothing's happening there, move along"?

Yeah. I think it is. 

It's probably not fair to both guys, and just because I've written my true thoughts here, you fellow readers are probably going to think I'm just some freak bitch who tosses boys around like expired yogurt.

But I assure you, I'm not.

I try to be a good person.

And although it may seem, to outsiders, that this is how I treat the males in my life, you don't know the full story.

Ever.

"I'm just some freak bitch who tosses boys around like expired yogurt."

So I have turned down Mr Jellyfish.

And I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for Mr Half Committed.

Because you never know.

Maybe one thing in my life will actually work out.

Just maybe.

"Hands touch, eyes meet.
Sudden silence, sudden heat.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl.
He could be that boy,
But I'm not that girl."

Happy Go Lucky.

"You make me happy,

Whether you know it or not.

We should be happy,

That's what I said from the start." 

You know what's really weird?

When you're sitting at a party, seeing tetris shapes everywhere, and you realise - wow. I'm really, really happy.

Now most people would think that I was high, or taking drugs at said party.

But I wasn't. 

I wasn't even drinking.

For the past couple of days, I've been generally happy. And the strange thing is - I feel weird about it.

If someone is happy - as a longterm emotion, not a passing feeling - they should feel good about everything.

Life is at peace. 

And nothing is wrong.

But I know that my life isn't perfect.

Hell, there's a shitload of things wrong with my life.

But I don't feel like I deserve to be happy right now. 

I'm guilty of so many things. 
Especially leading on male friends.
Even if I don't mean to.

"Maybe I should just embrace this excessive happiness, instead of over-analyzing everything in my life."

So why the hell am I so happy?
I don't have a boyfriend.
I feel like I push my friends away.
I live in a household full of comparison and competition.
I spend my life sitting on the computer.
Why should I be allowed to feel this way?


But maybe I should just take this happy feeling and go with it.
Maybe I should just...embrace this excessive happiness.
Instead of over-analyzing everything in my life. Like I always do.


Perhaps I should just be like the character I'm playing in the Wizard of Oz musical. Whenever the Scarecrow falls down, he just laughs it off and gets back up again.
Because even though I know this happiness has to go back down at one point, perhaps I should just learn to laugh it off and get back up again.
And you know what?
That's just what I'll do.

Old Mother Hubbard.

"Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To give the poor dog a bone.
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so the poor dog had none."

When you've been single for what seems like eternity, it actually becomes boring.
Once you get past your lapse of crazy freedom, you realise that suddenly, you miss having someone to just call when you want to talk and know they'll listen. Or go for strolls, hand in hand, not caring about what others think of you. Or lie in someone's arms, while watching a scary movie, knowing that even though the monsters aren't real, there's no way they could jump out of the screen and attack you. Not with that person so close. Even if he breathes heavily. Even if you have extreme sunburn on the side you're using to lean on him making it slightly uncomfortable. Even if there's a cat on the seat above you - vibrating randomly for no apparent reason - ruining any "moment" the two of you might have been sharing (if any).
None of that matters when you feel right. When everything feels right.

So why, later, does everything fall apart? Something that had felt so right before, now has increased doubts and confusion pouring out of every socket.
The person you want to be with seems uninterested and only talks in riddles you just don't seem to be able to understand. 
He brings up the what-ifs that you're not supposed to think about at the start of relationships. Or the fresh start of relationships in some cases.
What if we don't see eachother enough?
What if it's too awkward?
What if I over-analyze everything?
What if I assume every tiny thing you say or write is about me?
What if I just don't like you?

"Give the poor dog a bone."

I have no clue what's going on at the moment in my entire love life situation.
I am given no hints. No possible clues. No secret sources or hidden messages.
I just wish someone would just throw me a bone - and help me out a bit. Before I starve. Like Old Mother Hubbard and her pathetic dog.