Shattered.

"And I've lost who I am.
And I can't understand,
Why my heart is so broken.
Rejecting your love,
Without love gone wrong.
Lifeless words.
Carry on."

There seems to be this flaw in me, to always get caught in situations that make me that horrible, selfish person that I know can be.
Recently, I seem to be getting all that bottled-up negativity released on me at once - pushing away people that I know mean the world to me.
It's like there's this in-built part of me, that forces me to like the people who are all wrong for me, and deny those who truly care. And I know that that probably won't change. I always like the dickheads. Or the ones that are at first quite lovely, but who turn out to be jerks anyway.

It all started at the beginning of this year, with the Gentleman (and you're thinking: "oh no, not him again").
You see, he and I had decided to be friends again - and stay friends again. And then he goes and spoils that agreed upon notion, by hiding me from his facebook page, which in my world, is one of the most offensive things you can do to me (if you're a friend that is). I call him, but he "can't talk right now". So for a week, I leave it, and then call him again, finally sorting things out with all his bullshit excuses and lies, and discovering that he's gone and deleted my number. "To get some space", he'd told me - yet he'd had hectares of space before he'd shut me out.
So we move on, only to have a snappy fight about a week later, to which he deletes me off facebook completely.
So why do I keep going back you ask? Probably because he's a dickhead. He's the one focal point for all of my stress in the past year. He's that constant that will forever remain this pain in my mind. And not because I still have feelings for him. I just rely on his opinions, and I value his judgements. He takes it all away and dangles it in front of me, like teasing a dog with a piece of food. I just hope he throws it back before the food grows stale, and the dog walks away forever.


Then comes one of my best friends.
I've known him for years - since before high school. But I guess I just took him for granted. He and I drifted apart, and because he doesn't use his phone, we built up this relationship that was purely sustained on msn. Now, many of you would know that I'm not really a talker on msn or facebook chat. I might say a few things, but I get distracted on the computer really easily, so it's not exactly the best place to keep a friendship.
The other day, he made clear many of the faults and stupid, stubborn things I had done to him, which he had just taken at the time at stake of all the years we'd shared.
And now, he won't talk to me. I feel like this blog would be the perfect way to say sorry - yet he doesn't want a show-offy world apology. So I'd sent him one in a message.
I still await the day that he will unblock me on msn, so we can move on to old times, where we'd talk for hours about our passions, our dreams, and our everythings.


The last situation has had probably the most impact on me in one day. I won't go too much into it over this (I know, Dannie's actually showing restraint), but it involves one of my best friends.
Now, this guy...I never thought we'd grow this close. I talk to him about everything, and we hang out a lot. But recently I've just gone behind his back, and betrayed his trust. And in this, I feel like I'm losing not only him, but another guy. Losing two at once, as well as the other two I mentioned above, and you'll understand how right now, I'm feeling lonely, and pretty fucking shitty. 

How could I let this all rise up and happen? Even though all these things may not be consequences of something solely my fault, I know that I have had a fairly reasonable impact on each.  

So to each of you guys - I'm sorry. 
I'm sorry for being a bitch, and over-reacting at all the things you say.
I'm sorry for pushing you away, for taking you for granted, and for never asking you how you were feeling.
I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark, for betraying you, for once leading you on.
I'm sorry I'd trusted you, and had believed that you cared about me, and for thinking we'd actually had something.

I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I've never been really good with apologies. You should all know that. So this? This is my best. And this is my all. And this is for you.
All for you.
Carry on.

Ruby Moon.

"A blind man in a dark room - looking for a black hat which isn't there."

She sleeps. Quiet, silent, restful. Music-box ballerina dancing out her lullaby. A single pirouette, all while she sleeps. All limp and full of dreams. Hopes, ambitions, wanting, needing. Did you know her? Past tense. Where did she go? Past tense.

She's not here now. Shadows leap about you, and you only notice that they make you feel cold. Shudder. Like leaving the back door open. Shudder. Was it open when she disappeared? Past tense. 

Don't trust the wizard. And if he gives me hope? Don't trust the wizard. I wish he were here now. I wish we could wind back all the clocks. I used to wish a lot of things. Past tense.

And none of it matters now. Not that it matters. Not that it ever mattered anyway. But whose decision was that? Who made that call? Who took the shots? Unless it's all your fault? It's all your fault. And doesn't that make you feel tense? Doesn't everything?

And there's another one. Her allure so strong. Her perfume so toxic. And what do you get from her? Nothing but a mouthful of ash and a handful of lies. Nothing but a bookshelf of memoirs. Memories. Lifelines. Cloudy, rushed, spherical and coloured by the binding lights that snatch at you and take you away - leaving me in the dark with all these blackened objects, burnt and crumbling, but then you can't see them anyway. Because they don't exist. Does anything? 

Oh but there she is again. Still asleep. And you don't know what she's dreaming of. Do you understand the nightmares? Did you hear about her horrors? Can you listen to her silent screams that pull and tug and gnash in her mind? Music-box ballerina spinning her last pirouette. 

Bet you'd never noticed that. Past tense.

*inspired by Ruby Moon - an Australian play by Matt Cameron.

The Way It Goes.

I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best.

 Now I wait, as this blog ruins everything, as always.

This blog is for you, and only you.

In fact, a lot of the things I do are just for you.

Sometimes you notice, sometimes you don't. 
And that's the beauty of it.

Life with you in it, is a gamble. Occasionally you win, and occasionally you lose. For a while I was having a winning streak, feeling like the luckiest person in the world. Then - like any problem gambler - I started to lose. Well, not lose just yet. But flat-line. It makes me question, and wonder, and over-analyse as I tend to.

Do you even like me still?

Are you interested at all?

I know I'm not ready to move on so quickly. But have you?

So many things remind me of you. So I already know it's going to be too hard to just forget.

I want to skip backwards a few weeks. To the fun nights we spent, where everything was perfect and crazy at the same time.

Do you miss it? Do you even miss me? Or am I alone here, with no one but this figment of my imagination - your own ghost - beside me in my mind?

You know, I've experienced that feeling a lot recently. Loneliness. It's like the pain where you can't breathe but you can't die. A clenching in my chest that only rids itself when you're around. 

I'm so sick of feeling this way, and I can feel the old stress levels rising again, tearing at my limits; my breaking points; my boundaries - those walls I'd built so carefully, so securely.

"Loneliness. It's like the pain where you can't breathe but you can't die."

You said to me you wouldn't be able to handle it. But you don't think I don't have the same problems? Where sometimes you just actually do want to be on your own? Where you don't want to see anyone, lock yourself in your room, and listen to the depressing songs that make your top ten playlist?

I'm more alike you than you think. Though you probably already know.

It's not every day you find someone who doesn't mind sharing the same unique burger you like.

It's not every day you find someone who is as obsessed with your favourite TV show as you are.

It's not every day you find someone who likes the same music, the same smells, the same video games, the same movie genres as you.

It's not every day you find someone who has the same beliefs, and the same preferences.

It's not every day you find someone who likes you for who you are, not who you could be. Who likes your geeky glasses and habits and humour and sayings. Who likes calling you cute, and watching how you react under my fingertips. 

I like it how I don't feel the need to dress up when you're around. I like it how I feel most comfortable under your eyes. I like it how I can be myself, because the lame things I love - you do too.

I don't think I'm ready to let go of all that.  

I need to know if you're in or not. Or I at least need to know how you still feel. And not to be influenced by the people around you who think they know best.

Make up your own mind, and I'll be here when you're ready.

Like I always have been. Like I always will be.