When God Closes A Door...

"On the floating, shapeless oceans,
I did all my best to smile.
'Til your singing eyes and fingers,
Drew me loving into your eyes."

Why is it, that whenever I finally get past some bad moment in my life, another one reoccurs in full form and glory? It's like I can never just have one moment of peace, or one moment to just relax, and enjoy life.

Don't get me wrong - life is better now. I'm not always upset, nor do I ever feel a "longing" (if you will), for you. It's more like a quiet sigh after a long day. Or the way one should feel after a friendly hook-up.

And I'm pretty sure the thing that had made me so obsessed, was the thought of the chase.

Like I was saying to a friend of mine the other day, the lusting part is the part that's actually the most fun. And I know that isn't 100% accurate - because relationships can be fun too. But they're also a lot of work, and if you're someone who likes change or suspense, they're probably not for you.

But sometimes, when you finally get your prize - the thing you'd been fighting for for so long - you just don't know what to do with it.

You just spent so long trying to get hold of it, you never knew what you would do if you finally caught it. When you finally caught it.

"Somewhere in the middle of the bloodshed, gunpowder, and letters to home."

It's just like those men who would go off and fight a war for four years. When they finally come home - after the war is won - what are they supposed to do? Things are different - are they just expected to go back to their "normal" lives? Pretend nothing ever happened and slot back into their - now filled - past jobs?

Same thing goes for long term prisoners in jail. They spent such a vast majority of their lives behind bars, that a high percentage who get out, often find a way to purposely get back in again, because that is where they feel most comfortable, and that is the world that they know to be "normal".

Sometimes the fight is all we have. And resorting back to our past lives afterwards is just not an option. Things need to change, and a new self is often discovered somewhere in the middle of the bloodshed, gunpowder, and letters to home that had rearranged everything to begin with.

I just find it annoying how when I finally get over a guy, I suddenly find myself in the fight for someone else - which will probably involve a lot more injured soldiers than the last one did.

"I'm looking down every alley, 

I'm making those desperate calls,
I'm staying up all night hoping, 

Hitting my head against the wall."

The Dreamtime.

"This pathetic excuse for a town,

That holds all your memories,
A lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams.
To be anywhere but here,
But baby anywhere is away from me."

Dreams. Sometimes they can be so simple or so strange - it's hard to know their purpose.

The dictionary defines dreams as:
"A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep."
And that's the thing. They're involuntary. We don't choose them, they just come to us; forever transforming and morphing into the things we want; the things we need; the things we're fighting for; the things we're afraid of. Even the things we can't have. 

So the definition of a dream - to me - is more like torture.

Even if the dream is a "good" one, and you wake up refreshed and longing for it - it still is just a tease. 

My dreams mess with my heart, and mess with my mind.

Like most people's dreams, mine incorporate things that have happened that day, things I have worried about, and things that just don't even make sense.

That's why they always seem to have you in it. Whether you appear for about two seconds, or are the feature of the "storyline" - you are there. If my subconscious is acknowledging that I can't have you, or if it is still longing for you, depends on whether I have spoken to you that day, or my emotional state at the time of sleep.

"My dreams mess with my heart, and mess with my mind."

Most of my dreams have revolved around not having you. About you being viewed as the villain in each dream, and me having some other love interest - someone who's face is always unfamiliar to me - but is slowly beginning to form into someone I know. But the last time that happened, my "boyfriend" had eaten me because he was a zombie, and my dad was the only person who hadn't been zombified because (as he put it) he was "good at heart, and can't be transformed." So perhaps that dream didn't mean much in that area.

But now I'm worried.

Because my mind - is telling me I still love you. I mean, I still obsess over you, and think about you a lot.

But my heart is telling me otherwise. Like when I see a certain someone else's name come up on screen - I skip a few beats, and need a quick recover of mental reassurance that I'm not supposed to like them. That I don't like them. That I can't like them.

And that - is always the first sign of me liking someone.

And that sucks.

I fear it's going to spur on a lot more sleepless nights.

And smashed hearts. 

"Nevermind what people say,
Hold your head high and turn away.
With all our hopes and dreams,
I will believe, even though it seems it's not for me."

Nothing's Wrong.

"Blame a change of mind,
A seismic shift in times.
They told us not to fight,
But we'll fight it till we die."

One of my biggest pet peeves, is when you act like nothing's wrong.

Naturally, being the little hypocrite I've always been, I do it too.

But it still seriously annoys me.

It's like when you're talking to someone you used to be best friends with but have both now drifted apart. You still talk as if nothing's wrong. As if nothing's changed. You speak to eachother like it was only yesterday when you were drawing those messed up cartoons in class, or speaking about the cute boy from the station.
You talk, and you try to piece together the things that have happened since you used to be good friends. "So what's been happening?" - you might ask. This could be something you ask after a day or two, but you both know you really just want to find out everything. Everything you've missed out on because of your lack of effort in keeping together a friendship that used to be so treasured, but is now kept together by threads and stiches.

"But - as if by some intangible, unwritten law - neither of you speak of them."

The same thing goes for lovers. You move on, but still want to be friends. So naturally, you keep talking, keep seeing eachother at the occasional group outing. But the whole time you're looking at them, you are thinking about the past. The sweet and sugar-coated memories that fill up your mind, bleaching out the bad ones that had caused the original relationship to end.
And they're probably thinking about them too. But - as if by some intangible, unwritten law - neither of you speak of them. You pretend they're not there, yet it's on both of your minds.

I just don't get it. 

People always pretend that there's nothing wrong, but clearly, there is. Why not come out and say it? Why do humans build some kind of invisible wall around every past experience, and just pretend that everything's the same? That it's always been this way?

That nothing's changed.

"We can work this out,
I believe, although it seems impossible now.
Oh without a doubt,
We'll work this out."