No Happy Ending.

"I hope you're happy,
Now that you're choosing this.
I hope it brings you bliss.
I really hope you get it,
And you don't live to regret it."

Well blogging got me into this mess so I guess I'll use it to get out of it. Or at least tidy things up a bit.
Congratulations. This will my fourth blog in your honour. And I'm about to make it your last.
To me, all those now seem like a waste of precious blog space. How tacky.
Because what have they achieved? Nothing. The only reason I wrote these stupid things was because I knew it was the only way I could get you to listen to me. The only way I knew you would take in something I wrote. The only way you could possibly know how I was feeling, without hearing it from someone else, because that’s how it always seems to be.

"We all know you love the attention."

I wonder if you think I’m upset right now? Well I’m angry that’s for sure. A little pinged off that it went for this long.
But I’m not sad – if that’s what you’re thinking. Sure I guess I’m a little disappointed. But I won’t be sad for a while.

I really love how you treat me. Am I just someone you can string along your whole life? I am sick of feeling like I am just there for when you’re bored, or have nothing better to do.
Like that time we went for drinks. That you organised. And then, suddenly, you’re just like “Well, I’ve given you my allocated hour. Goodbye.”
Seriously. It was as if I had begged for you to be there. Like you had much better places you’d rather be. Like I was just some time filler. But I guess that's all I am really.

And also that recent "conversation" of ours. Where you said; "but, that affection is gone danni."
What are you? A robot? That's the most blunt thing I've ever heard. And next time you talk to me, spell my name right. There is an 'e' on the end. It was spelt on my msn name - right above where you were typing. Asshole.

I am so sick of you treating me like shit all the time.
You bring me down. You make me seem like things are always my fault. And I know they aren’t. Not this time. Everything you say you are only thinking about yourself. You think you’ve worded things nicely, but it just makes you seem even more of a dick. Dick. Funny how that one word has been used so regularly to describe you, even if I'd thought you had grown out of that character. I guess I was wrong.

And I’m sorry I’m publicising this. But we all know you love the attention.
It’s in your blood, after all.

You want to make things better? You should probably just leave me alone for a few days.
You want to know how I'm feeling? Then you have this very blog.
You want me not to publicize these kinda things? Then stay out of my life. You do the very same by posting everyone's business in your own forms of writing. You've always been the hypocrite in this situation.

"This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending."

It's Complicated.

"Don't dream too far.
Don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't remember that rush of joy.
He could be that boy,
I'm not that girl."

Don't you hate it, when you're half committed to something?

Kind of like when you want to go down a certain career path, and you know you could see yourself truly happy there, but you don't know how to launch yourself into that line of work. You keep only thinking about that one job, even if you get offers from others - which are just as lovely - but you turn them down, because you are blinded by one set course. The same set course that will probably never be achieved because maybe they're not hiring at the time. Or they have set requirements that you just don't possess.

Now for you smart cookies out there, obviously I'm not really talking about jobs.

See, I have been in this "half committed" state twice in my life. Once because we had both made that decision mutually to not go out just yet, but not go out with anyone else either, and the other time is now; because things are just in such a state of heavy confusion, that I can't see myself as still on the market.

Now it seems in my life, that every time I find myself in this situation, someone I had previously liked, gets it in their head that this is the perfect time to let me know their feelings about me. 

This has happened both times.

And now that I think about it, it has happened both times by the same person.

Now for the sakes of this blog (and possibly future blogs), we shall call this guy...Jellyfish.

Gee. Jellyfish really has good timing doesn't he?

Now, it's not that I wouldn't really love a relationship with said fish.

Is it even possible to like two guys at once - even if not equally?

Like, I feel as though the feelings I have for Mr Half Committed are a tad stronger. But is it disgustingly rude and mean to say "well...nothing's happening there, move along"?

Yeah. I think it is. 

It's probably not fair to both guys, and just because I've written my true thoughts here, you fellow readers are probably going to think I'm just some freak bitch who tosses boys around like expired yogurt.

But I assure you, I'm not.

I try to be a good person.

And although it may seem, to outsiders, that this is how I treat the males in my life, you don't know the full story.

Ever.

"I'm just some freak bitch who tosses boys around like expired yogurt."

So I have turned down Mr Jellyfish.

And I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for Mr Half Committed.

Because you never know.

Maybe one thing in my life will actually work out.

Just maybe.

"Hands touch, eyes meet.
Sudden silence, sudden heat.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl.
He could be that boy,
But I'm not that girl."

Happy Go Lucky.

"You make me happy,

Whether you know it or not.

We should be happy,

That's what I said from the start." 

You know what's really weird?

When you're sitting at a party, seeing tetris shapes everywhere, and you realise - wow. I'm really, really happy.

Now most people would think that I was high, or taking drugs at said party.

But I wasn't. 

I wasn't even drinking.

For the past couple of days, I've been generally happy. And the strange thing is - I feel weird about it.

If someone is happy - as a longterm emotion, not a passing feeling - they should feel good about everything.

Life is at peace. 

And nothing is wrong.

But I know that my life isn't perfect.

Hell, there's a shitload of things wrong with my life.

But I don't feel like I deserve to be happy right now. 

I'm guilty of so many things. 
Especially leading on male friends.
Even if I don't mean to.

"Maybe I should just embrace this excessive happiness, instead of over-analyzing everything in my life."

So why the hell am I so happy?
I don't have a boyfriend.
I feel like I push my friends away.
I live in a household full of comparison and competition.
I spend my life sitting on the computer.
Why should I be allowed to feel this way?


But maybe I should just take this happy feeling and go with it.
Maybe I should just...embrace this excessive happiness.
Instead of over-analyzing everything in my life. Like I always do.


Perhaps I should just be like the character I'm playing in the Wizard of Oz musical. Whenever the Scarecrow falls down, he just laughs it off and gets back up again.
Because even though I know this happiness has to go back down at one point, perhaps I should just learn to laugh it off and get back up again.
And you know what?
That's just what I'll do.