The Sad Thing I Call A Love Life.

It’s been a while. Seemed about time I wrote another blog.  

How come I always find myself writing these when I’m upset? Or lonely? Is writing really the only thing that helps me figure life out these days? 

Surely I would have a friend who I can just turn to? To spill out all the shiz and feel like they’re listening...And I know I have a few. But you never want to spoil their super days. You know?  

And what gets me so down, you ask? Well I pretty much took a step back today and looked over my life a little. Yet it’s pretty much my love life that takes the cake. 

Which is weird. Because realistically speaking, a teenager’s love life shouldn’t be of the most importance. 

We should be more focussed on things like growing up, and education, and making sure our future is all lovely. Not on a relationship that’s, let’s face it, probably not going to go anywhere like marriage or anything. And even though I fully believe in all the things in this above paragraph, I still have “love” at the top of my list. Sad, I know. But we’re all made to think differently.

"I’ll always remember my cutesy little year eight love interest with fond memories."

So my relationships. You’re all in for the pathetic goss that comprises my exes?  

Well first up there was Mr Bennett. An outgoing fellow, who pretty much always speaks the truth no matter how much you don’t want to hear it. However, what he lacks in communication and tact, he makes up for in brilliant writing skills, romantic notions (haha see what I did there!!), and a charming personality. 

And even though we kissed more in our “stage” relationship than our actual one, I’ll always remember my cutesy little year eight love interest with fond memories.  

Then there was the lovely Ess Dub. Our relationship didn’t last as long as my previous, but when it was over, it formed a better friendship. One that I’ll look back on when I’m a shrivelled granny and go; “that Smallwood guy, he was alright.” I can now talk to him about anything, and I don’t have to worry about him hitting on me or anything, because been there, done that. 

After Smally came Cammy-Babes. The one I constantly remind as the sweetest guy I know. He always knew what to say and when to say it. I could always count on a pick me up text on a sad day, and a friendly face to turn to when the world was full of hatred. My friends always tell me they hadn’t seen me happier than when I was with him. Yet unfortunately, relationships don’t survive on romantic texts and chats over msn. So with the lack of non-virtual meetings, I had to call it off. 

Now I know what you’re thinking. “So you’ve had a few exes – what’s the big deal?” But it’s the love interests that never did evolve into a relationship that wear me down.

"My friends always tell me they hadn’t seen me happier than when I was with him."

And I’m not just talking about the bad “mistake” hook-ups or the guys who become obsessed with you no matter how many negative signals you send in their direction.
No it’s the ones I fall for that really fuck with my brain.

Like years ago, when I had a crush on my best friend’s ex-boyfriend (bah – ridiculous I know) only to have him palm me off with a fucked up excuse about his sexuality, then going off with some chick like, four days later. You could at least tell the truth if you’re going to reject me. Seriously.

Then there’s the fact that the guy I used to look up to, and really, really, really, like, has been the one who has not only broken my heart twice, but “lead me on” (if you can even call it that) numerous times despite the presence of a third person (being the girlfriend).

Then there’s the one who had assured me that he was interested (and oh how the feeling was mutual!) but then right as the crush goes to escalate to relationship, he informs me that he has chickened out and is not ready for a fucking commitment. Only to re-inform me four weeks later that he has changed his mind. Yet as it goes, so had I, and I was just no longer interested.

Then there’s that lovely bloke who is my cousin’s mate. I was introduced, and we hit it off, and I thought he too was pretty genuine. Someone I could rely on. Someone I could trust. But like everyone I get close to, it fucked up – and I was back to ground zero. Okay. So this last one was a little exaggerated. It’s okay now. But bro – it hurt. It still does.

So that’s it summed up. Of course, if I had mentioned those “accidental hook-ups”, you’d know more of where I’m coming from here, but I don’t exactly kiss and tell. Well, I probably do to my nine best friends. So if you’re not one of them, hopefully you’re out of the loop. Hopefully.
   

’m just sick of being fucked around. It’s old, okay?

Forever Defined.

All this demand on subject selections and work experience. It really makes you think. What do I want to be when I finish high school? I say “be”, because your future career is how you are usually defined as. Even in introductions; “and this is Lachlan Bennett – he’s a published author” or “meet Tara Deith – she helps run one of the top non-profit wildlife veterinary hospitals in Australia.” Or even if you’re lucky enough to be on the Biggest Loser or Survivor, underneath your name whenever it pops up will be “Shannen Potter – Television Reporter.”
 

Like it or not, we will be forever defined by what we chose.  And you’re probably not going to want to be stuck with something that will bring down that first impression or demoralise your character.
 

So is now the moment which will affect our futures? Do these last few years in high school really influence how we will shape ourselves in our adult lives? What if you have no idea what you want to be?

All this pressure from friends saying they have this massive plan. How they’ve mapped out their lives to every specific detail. And you’re left sitting in the dark.

"Like it or not, we will be forever defined by what we chose." 

And what if you push through those things dragging you back? What if you finally reach those spectacular dreams? What if you finally get there and it’s not what you want to do for the rest of your life? Then what? Must you start all over? Go to your “fallback” option which was just as heinous as the first?
 

To be thinking about these things is not exactly what I wish to spend my teen years doing. I’d much prefer to live life to the fullest and think about the now. But how can I possibly do that with all these interruptions from parents, teachers, even professionals telling me that that’s not the way to go. I’m so over it.

People keep telling us that as long as we want it enough, we can be whatever we chose. So is it just our wants that keep us from reaching our dreams? Or is life more complicated than that?

The Swordfish.

All the good ones are either taken or gay. That's the saying right? Any guy who is worth dating already has a girlfriend or likes the opposite gender to what you are.
Well that's been true on some occasions. But for me, I find that nearly every guy I seem to crush on always turns out to be a total player. Or a "Swordfish" as Tara calls it. Someone who is just looking for a one night stand or a fun hook up. No commitments. No strings attached.
And the thing is - I constantly continue to fall for them. And they always end up walking all over me and leaving me broken and empty. So why do I let them get to me? And why do I keep chasing after them? That's always been a mystery. I guess it's just "my type". Like if a very attractive, reasonably nice guy came up to me and asked me out I'd probably turn him down with an excuse such as "Sorry, I only go for complete douche bags."
But then I think the reason I keep going after them is because I like the thrill of the chase. Or the race in some cases. But the thing about races is that in the end you are either a winner, a loser, or you're that one who was so close to the end but then crashed into the tyre stacks and died.

So what's been going on in the world of Dannie? How's that repetitive day in day out cycle we like to call life?
Well my dear readers, life has been mellow for the past few weeks, with some awesome highs and no lows - more flat lines.
At the moment my world has consisted of drama drama drama. Mostly in the literal sense - with rehearsals for both Gang Show and the Drama Festival reaching stress level. Know your lines; speak clearly; face the front; don't fidget; be the character; use actions; project; diction; diction; DICTION! The words just spin in constant spirals in my brain thanks to the many screams from the prod team and my drama teacher from day one. But maybe I'm lucky I'm not Smallwood - who is still being yelled at and let me tell you - it's not exactly helpful hints ("Smallwood I'm going to KILL you!!"). And I must mention that I am at least a little disappointed that the supposed stage kiss I was going to get turned out to be a "leap into his arms" - which I find annoying since I happen to be quite weight self conscious.

"Sorry, I only go for complete douche bags."

Then of course there was our road trip to Albury to see their  Gang Show. It was good to hang out with WOO Crew + Sarah for a weekend and I suppose I had fun but those seven hour car trips were soooo long...but at least we were invited to their afters. Without that invite I might never have met the lovely Mr Spinelli :P

And now my birthday's coming up. Nearly a month away and it's party year - yet the grog is for "18+ only" says mother dearest. But that's alright - as long as I get a theme I'll be happy. Yet Tubsy is making that hard because we're sharing the party and she wants a cop out theme like "a splash of pink and purple" whereas I had my heart set on "stereotypical high school cliques". I think we have now settled on "Good vs Evil" but that will probably change within the next week. If you have any awesome all out themes then do let me know!

I am also excited about work expierience in August. I'm going to Tucky's mum's vet for the first week, and then Taronga Zoo the next week working in the reptiles section. I'm just happy I get to work with the turtles :)

Ahh well now I'm just rambling. So I should probably sign out before I embarrass myself more than I do when an incredibly-hot-player-guy walks past Boost Juice.

Ta Ta For Now.
xx Dannie